Well I haven't written in here for a while but I thought maybe it would help to just get all this out in the open and out of my mind for a while.

My son who is the oldest is in jail for trumped up charges against him. He went to court and they dropped all but one charge and said he had to do house arrest but still haven't let him out said there is another court date on Jan 19th. He's already missed Thanksgiving and now he'll miss Christmas too. He was living with me before all this happened and was abusing pain pills but now that he's been in jail since the end of October he's clean and I'm just praying he stays that way when he gets out. I miss him terribly. I can't take phone calls from him because you have to have a credit card so all I can do is write to him but he hasn't written back. I wonder how he is, how he's feeling….he's in another state and I have no way to get there and back so seeing him is out of the question. I miss him…

My oldest daughter has moved out with her son to move in with her boyfriend. They have lived with me since my grandson was born, he's 5yrs old now and now with him not here it's like my lifeline is gone. He kept me grounded, made me smile when I needed it so now I miss him more than life. He seems to be happy though and that's all I want is for him to be happy.

My youngest daughters husband is addicted to pain pills, lost his job and is doing nothing now to support his family. When he was high he was mean to her but thankfully never hurt her except emotionally. Things just went too far so she left him and has now moved in with me with her son who is 2yrs old. He makes me smile but not like my other grandson the bond I have with him is so strong…my little grandson keeps me busy and is so sweet and cute. Both boys are so good and sweet. I like having my daughter here with me cause she helps me out with everything around here and when she's home she takes total care of her son. My oldest daughter expected me to do everything for her son and now will be woke up with the responsibilites of being a full time mom, a rude awakening but I'm glad it's happening.

I'm so lonely…..I have a house full of people and I'm still so lonely it hurts. I've not been taking care of myself, I just don't care about anything. I can't remember the last time I got to leave the house. I do have time to myself sometimes but I don't do much of anything except maybe watch some tv.

My parents aren't doing well at all. My mom had to have 2 pints of blood the other day because she has internal bleeding and they don't know where it's coming from. The doctor "thinks" that the red blood cells are being crushed as they pass thru her valves which have gone bad. She had them replaced years ago but now it's like they aren't working right. My dad well he's gotten so bad that he can't walk down the hallway to his room without holding onto the wall. Has a hard time getting up or down from a chair. Has to sleep in a recliner just so he can breathe at night. His kidneys are failing and his heart is so delicate right now that the doctor says any kind of stress or bad upset and it could cause a heart attack and it will be fatal this time. The doctor gave him a year to live and that year was up in May so him and my mom are living on borrowed time…

I feel like I'm losin everyone and it's killing me. I just want to get thru the holidays without something happening to someone. My grandmother, an uncle and a very dear friend all died on Christmas day so I'm torn between the real feelings of Christmas and being sad about it.

I'm holding on but feel like I'm fading fast and don't know how to fix it, don't know what to do, have no one to talk to about it so here I am. I need someone, someone who cares, someone who will listen and offer some advice or understanding but then again I feel selfish for only thinking of myself. Oh well, life will go on as it's supposed to we just have to keep finding our way.