So. . .  I’ve not been really "here" mentally lately.  I’ve been getting . . . out of my head instead . . . for the past couple of days.  I don’t feel proud of it, but half-living has been better than not living completely.

My cat had to be put to sleep yesterday. . .  He was 16 years of age. . .  His quality of life went down so much that he couldn’t enjoy the things he used to love.  I can’t bear to think about it too much. . .  He had a hereditary kidney disease that was going to take him, and my poor boy . . . I couldn’t make him suffer. . .  It’s almost like a dream.  The fact he isn’t here . . . just isn’t real yet. . .  

Tomorrow is class registration. . .  I still don’t know what classes to take, but it doesn’t really matter.  I’m actually kind-of scared to go back to college.  I don’t know why. . .  It will lead me to a better life, but maybe I’m scared of not doing well. . .  High IQs don’t mean jack if you can’t take the social aspect of it all.  I feel such anxiety that it’s suffocating.

I sold my CDs. . .  I made thirty-one dollars.  That’s more money than I’ve had since April.  I regret all of those CDs being sold, but . . . they weren’t doing me any good. . .  They’re all on my computer, so, live and let live. . .?

I bought a pack of cigarettes, and it’s been hard to try to smoke them while in the house.  It’s rather impossible.  I fear going out-side and having the neighbors see me, though.  I’ve also noted that I can’t smoke them like I used to, either.  I mean, I get down to about half a cigarette and that’s that.  I don’t want anymore.  I know wanting to smoke is all in my head.  My body clearly rejects it. . .  I still need something to calm my nerves, though, and I figure a pack won’t kill me.  It will help pass the time at college, I figure. . .  And it will keep me away from other things.

So . . . I’m bumming out.  Completely.  I’m not eating much nor drinking enough, but I’m okay.  Tonight will be the last. . .  I got to get my head on straight for tomorrow’s registration. . .

This weekend someone I care about will be gone for a bit. . .  It’s going to be so strange to not be around them. . .  But I’m starting to care less and less. . .  Things happen. . .

1 Comment
  1. Martha_My_Dear 11 years ago

    Man, what can I say.  =)  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    I wish I knew something to help with social anxiety.Man, what can I say. =) Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    I wish I knew something to help with social anxiety. I would hate for either of us to be left out of the college loop. =( Things are so hard with the economy nowadays that it’s almost easier to get financial aid and go to college rather than trying to find a job. =/ Sucks.

    I’ve decided that I can’t handle going to the get together. . . I’ve been having such a tough month, that I’m worried it would just be the final push to send me off the deep end.

    I’ll definitely stay around here. =) I need to check up on you too and see how things are going! 

    0 kudos

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