So. . . I’ve not been really "here" mentally lately. I’ve been getting . . . out of my head instead . . . for the past couple of days. I don’t feel proud of it, but half-living has been better than not living completely.
My cat had to be put to sleep yesterday. . . He was 16 years of age. . . His quality of life went down so much that he couldn’t enjoy the things he used to love. I can’t bear to think about it too much. . . He had a hereditary kidney disease that was going to take him, and my poor boy . . . I couldn’t make him suffer. . . It’s almost like a dream. The fact he isn’t here . . . just isn’t real yet. . .
Tomorrow is class registration. . . I still don’t know what classes to take, but it doesn’t really matter. I’m actually kind-of scared to go back to college. I don’t know why. . . It will lead me to a better life, but maybe I’m scared of not doing well. . . High IQs don’t mean jack if you can’t take the social aspect of it all. I feel such anxiety that it’s suffocating.
I sold my CDs. . . I made thirty-one dollars. That’s more money than I’ve had since April. I regret all of those CDs being sold, but . . . they weren’t doing me any good. . . They’re all on my computer, so, live and let live. . .?
I bought a pack of cigarettes, and it’s been hard to try to smoke them while in the house. It’s rather impossible. I fear going out-side and having the neighbors see me, though. I’ve also noted that I can’t smoke them like I used to, either. I mean, I get down to about half a cigarette and that’s that. I don’t want anymore. I know wanting to smoke is all in my head. My body clearly rejects it. . . I still need something to calm my nerves, though, and I figure a pack won’t kill me. It will help pass the time at college, I figure. . . And it will keep me away from other things.
So . . . I’m bumming out. Completely. I’m not eating much nor drinking enough, but I’m okay. Tonight will be the last. . . I got to get my head on straight for tomorrow’s registration. . .
This weekend someone I care about will be gone for a bit. . . It’s going to be so strange to not be around them. . . But I’m starting to care less and less. . . Things happen. . .