Today I thought alot, I thought about how I am and basically just compared myself to how I used to be. How I was when I was a 6 or 8, how I was when I was 10, when I was 12, 16, 18 and now…I've changed a lot. I've had the same personality from age 12-now, defiant, selfish, angry, cold, manipulative but I'm more sure of myself, I'm more outspoken, I'm not as depressed as I used to be, and my kind side shows more. Even though there are lots of times when I get extremely depressed, I don't think about suicide daily. I remember it had gotten to the point where I actually thought that thinking about suicide multiple times a day was normal.

My anger doesn't have as much of a kick as it used to. I remember how it used to fuel me, but now it's more like a dieing fire, but every so often someone throws lighter fluid on it.

I when I was 6-10, I remember being delusional but happy. I thought that I was happy because I didn't know that there was anything else, I didn't know what was unhealthy, I didn't know all of the things that were right and wrong, I didn't have a care in the world. I was kind, thoughtful, happy, caring and just plain excited about life. There are times when I wish I could go back to those days where I didn't know what was going on, where I thought everything was fine and was how it should be.

I guess what really triggered how much I've changed was when I went to the festival down at the state pier. I hated the walk, but I was calm there, and I felt like there wasn't a care in the world. I went with my boyfriend's mom, dad and little sister and one of the foster kids that his mom is taking care of; Neysha (she's 1 1/2). And the entire time there my boyfriend's little sister was pretty much hanging on me but it was nice, she reminded me of how I wished my little sister would have been to me. She was telling me about everything, her day, what happened last year at the festival, the people who she knew that were there, what she wanted to eat, all of those things. And I enjoyed it, I enjoyed hearing her telling me all of these things. Then I gave Neysha some of my fried dough (she loved it) and lately she's gotten into this habit where she's clinging to me and always calling me mom, and it's not bothering me, I actually answer to it. Like when we were walking back home, everyone stopped to look at the party going on in the park across the street from the house, but I kept walking because I wanted some water. And when Neysha saw that I was walking away she yelled out "MOM!" so I turned around and stayed with her, but before when someone would even joke about a kid calling me mom I'd cringe, but now it's kind of cute, I don't mind it, it makes me feel wanted. Like when I started to go upstairs she chased after me and was saying "Mom! Mommy! Mom!"

It was cute. Now granted, I don't even want to even think about having kids until another…5 years, maybe 6…6 years sounds good. I'll be 26 and hopefully married and then me and whoever I'm married to can start talking about kids and trying for kids. But it's weird because even though I don't want to be a mom until I'm married and 25 or 26, I've always hated being around kids because I've always seen the bad side of them, and kids and babies never liked me, they would either start crying or poop once I held them or even got to close to them. But it's a bit nice to see the good side of having kids and all.

Lol I feel like a loser, I'm actually tearing up right now lol I think it's mainly because just thinking about kids reminds me of when I miscarried. I knew that I wasn't going to keep it, but honestly…I started to get attached to it and started to actually question whether I should or shouldn't and then I miscarried. Lol I remember the lessons I learned from that experience…Birth control doesn't work when you're on anti-biotics, and that docotr's aren't always right. About 3 months after I turned 18 doctors told me that I have less then a 3% chance of ever getting pregnant the natural way and with artifical insemination I'd have about a 10% chance, because of a bone deformity that runs in my family that apparently I got an extra version of it, so I was surprised as hell lol and my boyfriend…let's just say that we used to have a joke that he had one lonely soilder lol (doctors confirmed that too). So we used to always make fun of each other before it happened, I had a barren waste land and he had a lonely solider. Then after it happened we used to joke that all of his lonely soliders set up camp and did an ambush attack lol This is probably really inappropriate lol but I feel better 🙂


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