So the past couple days have been pretty lame.
I’ve been playing the role of the victim and I hate myself for it. The problem is I don’t know what I can do in the short term to fix it. I signed up to volunteer at an animal shelter, but that doesn’t start until the 19th, so I’ve got some time to kill between now and then…
It’s stupid; I can’t believe I still feel this way after all this time. I need to find some way to move on. People tell me that the best way to forget about a girl is to hit the bars hard and get laid, but I just don’t have the money to go out drinking. I’m on a strict budget until graduation and I struggle to get all my bills paid sometimes, so going out and drinking my money away is out of the question. Trying to juggle a full class and work load really destroys any chance of a social life. I’ve made so many sacrifices for this stupid degree that it’d better damn well be worth it, I’m tired of waiting, I want results now.
For the record, dating a chick with kids is a stupid thing to do (I’m bouncing all over the place but I don’t care). There will always be problems. Maybe if I was a dick and didn’t care, I’d be way better off—I could even be happy that I didn’t’ have two runts to hold me back. But that’s not me at all, her kids are awesome, they inspired me to stay in school and shift my focus from primary to elementary education. I can only imagine losing a biological child through a divorce; it must be the hardest thing in the world to suffer through.
I can still see them once a week or so, and it’s great to see their smiles and experience their boundless energy, but it comes at the expense of dealing with my ex. Its rough as hell seeing her happy and all the positive changes she’s made in her life. I mean, I want her to be happy but not before I am lol jealousy sucks, grrr. The real problem is when I’m hanging out with them I’m happy, I love playing with her kids and I enjoy sharing thoughts with her. But then I go back to my own sad little world, doing what I have to do and not what I want to do. Part of me wants us to get back together, but its way too late for that, she found someone who’s a lot like me but actually has money to spend. The worst part is he spoils the crap out of her kids and they adore him for it, something that I never could do for them. Sigh.
I dunno, I’m rambling now. I need to move on but I can’t just forget about the kids and I can’t just flick a light switch and feel better. I’m lonely, and sexually frustrated. I just can’t believe I’m still dealing with this.