Well, since the last time I have written things have gotten progressively worse. I feel like my sanity is slipping away and that the anger spells are increasing. I am so grateful that winter has come because I refuse to wear short sleeved shirts due to the numerous cuts and scars on my arms. I am so scared of dating any guys because I dont want to have to explain my mood swings or why I drink til I’m shitface on bad days and it seems like I myself am so much baggage for anyone. My mom also tells me very mean things sometimes that makes me feel worthless, like I dont deserve to be alive. She says that my face is all that gets attention and the rest of my body is gross so I’m repelling guys like bug spray. I feel like if I cut my face up and make the rest of me ugly then I’ll be equally proportioned.

I have daydreamed about running away to Minneapolis so many times. I even looked up apartments there, the Greyhound bus fare and figured out how I would make a living if I went there. I want to seriously get a job and save up money so when I feel like I have enough I can just leave and not look back. I think I am going to do it. I feel like I shouldn’t be the one on medication, like my mom should because of her mood swings and I know half the time she doesnt really mean the things that she says but they hurt me soo much. I feel like shit. I feel like it wouldnt make a difference if I just disappeared off the face of the earth. I had talked to some guys and tried dating but after I wouldnt put out they disappeared on me. Which pisses me off because then that means they were only after one thing and I know I am better than that. Whcih is another reason why I want to cut my face up. Maybe if they get to know the real me they’ll stick around.  One of the guys that disappeared on me (whom i did have sex with in fact) actually started up again and he’s been consistently texting the past few days as well as sending random picture mail and video mail. That confuses the shit out of me the most because out of all the guys I had really fallen for him and it took me so long to get over him then all of a sudden he places himself back into my life. It all leads to me feeling like I"m losing my mind. I feel like I lose control of my mood swings and my ups and downs are becomign increasingly severe. I feel like I have lost all hope. An innocent destroyed by the chaos and sorrow of the world. I feel like I belong in an instituition because of the way I scream and throw myself around. I feel like I should be put away until I can get it under control. I feel like I should be under a physician’s care but everyone around me is in denial. They dont want to believe that their precious "Krystle" is really fucked up in the head. Help me.