why do ppl intentionally try to make life more difficult than it has to be. I go in my room, which I hardly ever do because it's more my husbands room than anything, and am studying for my first 2 test I have this week. Mind you I haven't been in school for 18 yrs and am trying to get away from all the noise the kids and he are making. Well he comes in and says I need to aske you something. I was like "oookaay. What's up?" He shuts the door and sits next to me and asks me " what would you do if (my eldest boy is from a previous relationship and his dad has not been a part of his life) his dad were to come and say he wanted a relationship with him now." I said "well he is almost 18 and that would be up to him to decide if he wants to start a relationship with him." He said no like now that he is is a minor." I said "well if he wanted to bad enough I suppose I would let him." He said "why would you give his dad another chance and not me?" I said to him"first of all the chance is with his son not with me." He said but I want to be good and do better now" I was like "I've been beging you to do better for 11 yrs. Now you decide you want to do better. I'm not at a place where I can do that right now." He stormed off and said "that's all I needed to know…" I was like wtf? I am tired of being made to be felt guilty. I have honestly tried and tried to get him to understand that he has been killing my feelings for him for a long time. I think he though that I was just going to continue to take it since I have done it for so long. Yeah I know I'm no peach or an angel. I can be quite horrible but I know when I'm wrong and know when to apologize or catch myself when I'm getting to that ugly hurtful level. He doesn't. Even when I have told him that he's getting to that level. THe way he acts reminds me of my dad , something I have made very clear that i detested about my dad. B ut did he stop. NO! I am waiting to the end of the year (don't know if I can but we'll see) to get some affairs finalized and court dates that he has to get through and then we're parting ways. We had come to that agreement and now he's trying to go back on that. Telling me he wants another baby and he's gonna put his seed in me…blah,blah,blah… WHo says that?! Of course I am not going to fall for his dumba ss shit and sleep with him ever. He's out of his mind. You know I wanted another baby so bad and wanted to start trying after my son turned 2. Even last year I was still wanting a baby. But when I started getting out and doing stuff for myself I realized I wanted a baby for the wrong reasons and snapped out of it. Having another baby right now would be completely devastaing for me. I love that my kids are older and just to have to have someone rely on my agian is to much. I am being selfish and want to have the life I never had. I have never lived on my own or gotten to travel or anything because I have been a mom since the age of 17. I made my bed and had to lay in it. Now though I have a lil more freedom to finally do something I want to do like excersice, get healthy and start studying for the career that I love. Am I wrong for being selfish? I don't feel like I am. I want to be happy. I want my kids to know a happy mom not an angry, mean, depressed mom. I really hope my husband doesn't make things difficult or try to flip out on me. He could be one of those if I can't have u no one will types and kill us all. IDK I just don't need this and need him to accept it and start getting the idea in his head that I'm not his anymore. I do feel bad because I see the hurt in his eyes but then I think how cruel he was when I was hurting and he didn't show me any kind of compashion. I just don't know. I just hope it all works out. Not only that the other guy in my life is trying to talk to me again and quite frankly is getting on my nerves. We're done! Nothing can come of our relationship. It was stupid to get involved to begin with. Ugggg! I just want to be left alone to free myself of all these ties that bind me. I want to be happy and fulfilled. I want to be healthy phyusically and mentally. I want my kids to be happy and I even want my husband to be happy and find peace in his life….. we'll see how it goes…….


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