Yesterday was my birthday and I spent 75% of it fighting the depression that had been eating away at my subconscious for the past week. Then I realized what a slave Ive become to others people's feelings and perceptions of me. What a terrible way to be. But thats what depression is and does, Its a long road to happiness and I doubt Ill ever be able to conquer this depression in its entirety, but I can reduce it to notable insignificance. Take my mother and father, neither bothered to even call and say Happy Bday. The old me would have called then and made them feel like crap. I know in my heart, they did not forget. But because we never had a relationship, they like to play the game of cat and mouse. My father called me at 11:59. The depression grabbed me around this very time. I had just gotten into an arguement with my boyfriend. I created problems that did not exist and magnified all the negative things that existed in my relationship and broke up with him. I apologized when I realized what I was doing. It must be hard for him. Depression eats away at my mind, body, and soul. All the good that is in my life is driven away or completely ignored. Whereas the bad gets all the attention.
Anyway, my father called a few more times. I was not in the mood to talk. He left messages, that I didnt check. I returned his calls that morning. He talked casually and said nothing about my birthday. I thought maybe he left a message about my bday. When I got home, I checked all of the messages and none of which said anything important. I tried to give him the benefit of doubt. But I know him and he has bully like tendancies and has had all his life. He purposely omitted it to be mean. I began to blame myself. he called at 11:59 ( I didnt notice the time until after I went back to check the messages later) he was prepared to wish me happy bday, I assume, but wen I didnt answer he got offended or possibly his feelings were hurt. I then began to feel bad and blame myself. Like I should have just answered the phone.
Then I thought, (and Im open to corrections if I am wrong) I am an adult living 1000 miles away. I could have been doing anything. Should I tear myself apart like this? WTF? I mean I called back. My mother has a multitude of problems that have destroyed the entire family and she is very verbally abusive. she also suffers from severe depression and refuses to seek help. We only talk maybe 3 or 4 times a year and thats bdays included. I felt she also knew ( for reasons beyond this topic) and decided not to call. The thing is I have always made my self vulnerable to how others treated me. If your own family treats you like shit, then your shit right? WRONG. They know my past and how I value acceptance and if denied this, how horrible it makes me feel. Anyway, the old me would have talked about it over and over again. I would have called my father and gave him a piece of my mind. My mother is just pathetic so I really didnt care like I did my father becuz he raised me, I expected more from him. I was mad Ill admit. But Ill let the anger subside and ignore him. Let him see how luacris he is by being quiet and contiuning to live and be happy. To be fair, lets just say that they both simply forgot. Despite the circumstances its likely, we are all human. But the point is, It hit me that my past does not define who I am. I feel an evolution from deep within. A freedom to be who I chose and not allow others to get to me or make their issues my own. Last night, for the first time ever, I had the power. I chose to be happy. I chose to enjoy the lovely day my boyfriend planned for me and be thankful for all I have in front of me. Its an amazing power. When I went into the coffee shop, and the girl that is working there is always so rude to me, making my lattes so messy and sticky, giving me white instead of wheat, hurling my food at me- I have a bad temper and I could have cursed her. But I chose to ignore her. maybe she has problems and does not know how else to handle them. But she cannot take it out on me becuz I chose to be happy. This is what all the normal people talk about. But they do not know that this is the worst thing you can suggests to someone with depression. There is no choice, when suffereing from depression. There is no such thing as someone chosing to be lazy or feeling sorry for themselves, or chosing to have a bad temper. Now that I am seeking treatment, I see myself at where I was and I wonder how I even survived. What stopped me from going thru with it like so many tortured souls? Depression is a completly different world in itself and no one, no matter their specialty can ever understand unless they have truely been there. I dont mean have the blues for a day or two. I mean truely live it everyday- every minute. Well thats my little epiphany. I know that probably for the rest of my life I will have to fight from being sucked into that deep dark vacuole. But after 11 years of fighting. I now realize I have more control over my enemy than I thought. Things are not great but okay which is better than before. I can see a little better thru these dark tinted glasses. I hope this feeling lasts and I pray we all get to this level oneday. Sincerely, Adara……..