I think my newest obsession is to find evidence of my OCD. Or maybe that's a compulsion…. Today, I was looking at some of my old journals–one from when I was almost 13, mostly. It's exhausting reading the insane things I would record. Compulsively recording every little detail of where I went and what I did…. This is why I don't write in my journals sometimes–because it's exhausting to write it, too. The evidence is definitely there–I wrote down the birthdays of all the kids in the club I was in (if I knew the birthday. If I didn't know it, I wrote down the kid's name with a question mark beside it). There were 30 kids in that club!I would also write detailed summaries of stories I had written elsewhere. One time I filled six pagestelling what I had alreadywritten somewhere else. Even at the time, I commented in my journal that it was silly of me. (I recall howI actually felt at the time I was writingthis–itdrove me insanethat Iwrote it there and took up so much time….)

I think my OCD is getting much worse again because my sister has moved backinto this houseagain. I'mnot about to tell her that because she'd take it all wrong. She'shad a bad year andseems to think that she's not wanted backhere at home. If Ilet it be known that her being here is making more anxious, she'd just take that as confirmation that I don't want her here. I do want her here! She's my sister, I love her, and I wish she'd just take my words for what they are! Anyway, I've been getting theurge to dig through the garbage tomake sure nothing important has been thrown away again.I haven't done that in a few years. I think somehow I got confident thatneither my sister (who's been living here all along) nor I wouldthrow anything of importance away. Buteven though my head tells me this other sisterwon't, either, I'm feeling confused and stressed by some of her behavior, etc., and am not so sure she wouldn't….

Why am I sitting here staring at the bottle of prozac instead of taking it? The sooner Istart taking it, the sooner it will get into my system….

Everything's just unreal. This morning I was actually questioningifanything was really happening. No, you're in a dream–ofcourse! *rolling eyes at self again*


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