gonna try and get through this one–and actually post it–before it gets accidentally deleted again!  *sigh

****This may very well trigger****

i’ve been trying to piece together something that happened when i was really young, for several years.  i have images and memories of most of the incident?, but there is a gap that i feel is important to at least try and work on to see why i was treated the way i was afterward, as well as my own demeanor throughout my life, thus far.  Will it matter?  Who knows.  But, i feel like–for me–i need to at least try to ‘see’ something concrete, instead of creating false memories or something that is not what truly happened, in order to begin that part of my healing. 

i was probably 4, or so, as my sister and brothers were all in school, at the time.  This was the 1970s, and  our parents were pretty traditional–my perception, anyway–with regards to treating everyone with a bit of kindness.  Anytime a delivery was made to our home, be it a package, the gas man–to fill the huge tank, or something else, my mom would always invite them in our home for a cup’a coffee and a snack or chitchat.  –Like i said:  a different time, basically.  So, this particular day, the gas man came to fill the tank.  (For whatever reason….)  As soon as i knew that particular person was there, delivering our gas, i ran to my parents’ bedroom to hide–not in a playful way, but i can feel the fear.  Whenever my mom called outside to let the man know his coffee was ready, he came inside and (from what i can recall, anyway) made his way to my parents’ room.  i was sitting on the floor, between the bed and the wall where their closet was located, trying to hide, and be quiet, when he ‘flew’ across my parents’ bed and looked down at me.  i can see him reaching down, trying to pull me up to him…..  —-blank—-until my sister and brother get in from school (which was a few hours later), and found me asleep on the floor of the closet, hiding underneath some clothes, where i’d been crying, evidently.  i’ve asked my older brother if he was aware of anything that happened, and all he can recall is the fact that about that time, our parents agreed that no one was to be home ‘alone’ whenever any deliveries were made, from then on.  i don’t know what happened during that ‘blank’ period, but it was enough to make me fall asleep in tears and hiding….  *sigh  Since our family was really involved in one particular church at the time–my dad helped build it, in fact–and the pastor was actually like a member of our family, i can remember my father’s carrying me in his arms (i had a tendency to fall asleep in church, at that time), to see the pastor to see about my well-being.  i don’t recall any of my other siblings being ‘checked on’…..??????????????????