Oh my what a step – this is my FIRST OCD blog.  I’m 33 years old and it kind of feels strange yet empowering to finally put myself out there.  I for some reason am a genuinly happy person.  Yet, there is one struggle I do bear daily and it’s so hard.  I have had OCD since I was about 10 years old – at least that’s my first memory of it.  It’s definitley progressed throughout the years.  I am a HUGE magical thinker, which is one of the facets of OCD.  Normally when I talk to people about OCD they usually know someone who is a "checker" or a "germ-a-fobe".  Of course these things need to be give their deserved credit – they’re horrible for sure.  But they’re not my number one concern.  Yes, I do check things repeatedly and every so often I may think about germs, but those aren’t my real struggle.  I am a TOTAL magical thinker.  If I leave a room w/o having the "right" mindframe, I need to re-enter and then exit it again for fear of something horrible happening to one of my family members (always the people I love the most).  The obsession and compulsion aren’t even linked to one another, yet they happen to me.  Of course this is just a minor example.  More acturatley, I’m one of those people that will turn her car around 5 times on my way to work, because I have to make sure that the railroad track I went over, or the speed bump I hit were during the time where I was in the "right" frame of mind.  If they weren’t hit at the right time, I need to go back and re-do them.  If I don’t "give-in" to my obsession and decide to "fight" with everything I have, I end up having a terribly hard day and being totally consumed in my OCD the entire day.  Whether it’s seeing a homeless person on the streets of Chicago or someone with a terrible illness or someone that in my eyes is sick, my compulsion is that I have to look at myself first (in a mirror) so that If I am going to have the power to "transfer" that sickness/illness/disfortune to anyone, it will be myself and not those that I love.  As with all OCD, this builds and builds and builds in your head and you end up having about a million different scenarios that accompany this.  I haven’t met anyone that has had "magical thinking" OCD.  I know it’s out there b/c of articles on the internet.  However, no one that I know seems to understand this form.  If there’s anyone out there that shares this w/ me.  TOTALLY talk to me.  I’m soooooo normal in every way, but I’m carring a HUGE burden that I want to aleviate somehow.  I am a strong Christian.  I would not have made it as far as I have w/o having Christ to lean on.  He is my strength for sure.  However, as much as I try, I can’t seem to "pray" OCD away.  In the Bible it talks about Paul having a "thorn in his flesh" and asking God repeatedly to take it away, and in a vision Christ says to him – "My Grace Is Sufficient For You".  I KNOW and trully beleive that this is true.  If I have to deal w/ OCD for the rest of my life, I’m okay w/ it b/c I have Christ.  HOWEVER, if there’s some help here in this life that I can get, I have decided that I should probably seek it out.  I am on meds and am also seeing an OCD specialist.  I am border-line Medium/Severe on the spectrum.  But as I’ve said before, I’m totally normal — just like someone you’d meet at work or on the street.  Please don’t feel bad for me – I’m fine.  Just want to know if there’s anyone else out there that shares this that I can FINALLY talk to. 

Thanks!

4 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    You have described a lot of us more or less.  Our brain gets in a rut and pryng it loose is hard lol.  Good luck

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  2. brittegamache 12 years ago

    argh i do this all dya everyday just like you it drives me nuts. have to think good thing only when thinking of family so they be safe . can only do something like get out of bed if thinking good thoughts etc.

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  3. StickyBrain 12 years ago

    Thanks for your comments.  I am also overwhelmed all day everyday w/ my O’s and C’s.  I like it that you said it that way and I think I’m going to start using the abbreviation.  It sounds so much better than the actual words.  I think that OCD probaly get’s misdiagnosed a lot.  I think often there may be some overlapping w/ depression or other axiety disorders.  I guess I have been blessed to know what my disorder was early on.  I read an article as a kid (from my mom’s magazine) and it was about OCD.  There was a girl that described her struggles and it was just like me.  It wasn’t a relief for me at the time, realizing when your 10 years old that you have this wild imbalance.  So I tried to ignore it and thought maybe it would go away or that I’d outgrow it.  Of course it didn’t work…  But when I was in my 20’s I finally started getting help for it.  I’ve seen altogether 4 different coucilors/physciatrists etc.  Nothing has helped long term for me.  I am finally connected with an OCD specialist who seems to be helping a litlte bit.  He’s into "exposure response thearpy".  It’s really difficult, but I think it’s helping a little bit.  I recently had a major set back.  I felt awful b/c I thought,  oh no – all the progress I just made is going down the drain.  However it seems like I’ve been getting a grip again this past week.  Set backs are common and are most sure to happen.  It’s so easy to forget that when you’re starting to feel better though.  I just wish it would just go away already. 

     

     

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  4. Builder018 12 years ago

    Your quote "I would not have made it as far as I have w/o having Christ to lean on.  He is my strength for sure.  However, as much as I try, I can’t seem to "pray" OCD away.  In the Bible it talks about Paul having a "thorn in his flesh" and asking God repeatedly to take it away, and in a vision Christ says to him – "My Grace Is Sufficient For You".  I KNOW and trully beleive that this is true.  If I have to deal w/ OCD for the rest of my life, I’m okay w/ it b/c I have Christ."

    This is exactly how I see it…Jesus Christ gets me through each and every day!

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