Oh my what a step – this is my FIRST OCD blog. I’m 33 years old and it kind of feels strange yet empowering to finally put myself out there. I for some reason am a genuinly happy person. Yet, there is one struggle I do bear daily and it’s so hard. I have had OCD since I was about 10 years old – at least that’s my first memory of it. It’s definitley progressed throughout the years. I am a HUGE magical thinker, which is one of the facets of OCD. Normally when I talk to people about OCD they usually know someone who is a "checker" or a "germ-a-fobe". Of course these things need to be give their deserved credit – they’re horrible for sure. But they’re not my number one concern. Yes, I do check things repeatedly and every so often I may think about germs, but those aren’t my real struggle. I am a TOTAL magical thinker. If I leave a room w/o having the "right" mindframe, I need to re-enter and then exit it again for fear of something horrible happening to one of my family members (always the people I love the most). The obsession and compulsion aren’t even linked to one another, yet they happen to me. Of course this is just a minor example. More acturatley, I’m one of those people that will turn her car around 5 times on my way to work, because I have to make sure that the railroad track I went over, or the speed bump I hit were during the time where I was in the "right" frame of mind. If they weren’t hit at the right time, I need to go back and re-do them. If I don’t "give-in" to my obsession and decide to "fight" with everything I have, I end up having a terribly hard day and being totally consumed in my OCD the entire day. Whether it’s seeing a homeless person on the streets of Chicago or someone with a terrible illness or someone that in my eyes is sick, my compulsion is that I have to look at myself first (in a mirror) so that If I am going to have the power to "transfer" that sickness/illness/disfortune to anyone, it will be myself and not those that I love. As with all OCD, this builds and builds and builds in your head and you end up having about a million different scenarios that accompany this. I haven’t met anyone that has had "magical thinking" OCD. I know it’s out there b/c of articles on the internet. However, no one that I know seems to understand this form. If there’s anyone out there that shares this w/ me. TOTALLY talk to me. I’m soooooo normal in every way, but I’m carring a HUGE burden that I want to aleviate somehow. I am a strong Christian. I would not have made it as far as I have w/o having Christ to lean on. He is my strength for sure. However, as much as I try, I can’t seem to "pray" OCD away. In the Bible it talks about Paul having a "thorn in his flesh" and asking God repeatedly to take it away, and in a vision Christ says to him – "My Grace Is Sufficient For You". I KNOW and trully beleive that this is true. If I have to deal w/ OCD for the rest of my life, I’m okay w/ it b/c I have Christ. HOWEVER, if there’s some help here in this life that I can get, I have decided that I should probably seek it out. I am on meds and am also seeing an OCD specialist. I am border-line Medium/Severe on the spectrum. But as I’ve said before, I’m totally normal — just like someone you’d meet at work or on the street. Please don’t feel bad for me – I’m fine. Just want to know if there’s anyone else out there that shares this that I can FINALLY talk to.
Thanks!
You have described a lot of us more or less. Our brain gets in a rut and pryng it loose is hard lol. Good luck
argh i do this all dya everyday just like you it drives me nuts. have to think good thing only when thinking of family so they be safe . can only do something like get out of bed if thinking good thoughts etc.
Thanks for your comments. I am also overwhelmed all day everyday w/ my O’s and C’s. I like it that you said it that way and I think I’m going to start using the abbreviation. It sounds so much better than the actual words. I think that OCD probaly get’s misdiagnosed a lot. I think often there may be some overlapping w/ depression or other axiety disorders. I guess I have been blessed to know what my disorder was early on. I read an article as a kid (from my mom’s magazine) and it was about OCD. There was a girl that described her struggles and it was just like me. It wasn’t a relief for me at the time, realizing when your 10 years old that you have this wild imbalance. So I tried to ignore it and thought maybe it would go away or that I’d outgrow it. Of course it didn’t work… But when I was in my 20’s I finally started getting help for it. I’ve seen altogether 4 different coucilors/physciatrists etc. Nothing has helped long term for me. I am finally connected with an OCD specialist who seems to be helping a litlte bit. He’s into "exposure response thearpy". It’s really difficult, but I think it’s helping a little bit. I recently had a major set back. I felt awful b/c I thought, oh no – all the progress I just made is going down the drain. However it seems like I’ve been getting a grip again this past week. Set backs are common and are most sure to happen. It’s so easy to forget that when you’re starting to feel better though. I just wish it would just go away already.
Your quote "I would not have made it as far as I have w/o having Christ to lean on. He is my strength for sure. However, as much as I try, I can’t seem to "pray" OCD away. In the Bible it talks about Paul having a "thorn in his flesh" and asking God repeatedly to take it away, and in a vision Christ says to him – "My Grace Is Sufficient For You". I KNOW and trully beleive that this is true. If I have to deal w/ OCD for the rest of my life, I’m okay w/ it b/c I have Christ."
This is exactly how I see it…Jesus Christ gets me through each and every day!