When talking about being suicidal people sometimes say “I’ve been in a dark place lately”. Well I haven’t been. I haven’t been happy or feeling good but my mind isn’t exactly in that dark place. But I saw something and I knew it was going to be there too. There is this older tv show I love, it ended in 2012 so it’s not that old. Anyway I’m coming close to the last season and there was this guy and he was going through some stuff and he walked upstairs very upset. A scene later his mom went upstairs and he was laying on the bed having taken some pills. It’s been a long time since I watched the show so I didn’t remember it happening but it wasn’t particularly dramatic or anything and I was just casually watching the show so it didn’t cause a gut reaction of anything intense. The next scene she was at the hospital standing in the hallway. They panned over to show her son. He lay there still not awake and I thought:
That’s going to be me one day.
It was very nonchalant. I had no reaction to what I had just thought. It wasn’t like I wanted to be in that situation. It felt like a fact or something unavoidable. Like I just know. In hard times, yeah I think about suicide from time to time but this didn’t feel like that. It was so basic and fleeting of a thought I barely had a moment to process it. It came and went like thinking –Oh yeah I need to do laundry tomorrow– But a moment later you forget it until something else reminds you of it.
Isn’t that weird? When I saw that boy laying there on his bed, having taken pills, passed out, and I thought that seems like something that’d happen to me. Hope I’m wrong, but it just feels like one of those things.
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Time has passed since I originally wrote that. Probably around three weeks has gone by.
I still can’t shake it though. In reality, I think a little part of me always thought that would happen.
I’d hear a story on the news about some kid doing that, or I’d see it in a movie or show.
Not too often, but whenever I saw it there was a part of me that felt it would become my fate.
I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes when I think about my future, I can’t see it. I just assume I won’t be here to see what happens, and that’s not a good way to live.
My thoughts around death or suicide are pretty casual too. Like I’ll be sitting here on my bed and think about the easiest way I would do it. I don’t want to die yet, but I think it’s a coping mechanism. Knowing there’s a way out and you can control it. One of the things in our life that we can control, somewhat. It’s like a safety net.
Thank you for the comment, It actually helps to think of it as more of a coping mechanism rather than I’m just a helpless slave being pulled to dark-ish thoughts.