I tell myself there will be more money soon, I will sell more stuff to make more so I can buy more. I don't care about drinking I hate it. I can pass it up for now, until the next binge. I drink coffee until I'm literally in pain in my stomach and my head hurts. I just don't know how elseto stop the depression. My addictionsALL come from my depression. I am not an addict from my chemical make up, but my brain in the sense of mental healthis a complete mess. I am depressed with some bipolar disorder, to what degree was never determined. I have been this way since a teen, but asI get older it gets worse. I have been hurt so much I am just interested in stopping the pain. I am on meds but I need more and I don't want to get into that. Can you imagine more meds for me, an addict? That's a terrible idea! I dont' know why the goddamn doctors don't see that. Oh yeah… it's because they are backed by the pharmacy and they want to make MONEY!!!

I went on eBay to see how my auctions are doing. I need the money. And guess what I did? Bought something else! LOL. How funny right? Like I said it would be funny if I had cash and was some spoilt brat with a huge trust fund. But alas, I am not.

The account will be drained in a few days,then I will have no money. Fortunately for me I don't have credit cards. Thank Jesus H. Christ for THAT! Fuck! Can you fucking imagine if I could actually have credit? I'd probably end up in prison for having millions of dollars in debt.

My stupid stuff doesn't even make me happy. Sometimes I just wanna smash it all to little bits. Fuck you, stuff! Of course I'd get better satisfaction in smashing my ex boyfriends heads. I don't know which ex boyfriend I hate worse. The one who abused me mentally and physically OR the one who treated me like a Princess only to dump me and destroy my world (he was the love of my life, thank you for leaving me with nothing, honey!)

Kyle's cheap words. As cheap as the 2 for $0.99 cent rings he bought me. Yes, he bought me 2 rings at Claire's for $0.99… and I still have them. He was 19 and it was so cute. God. They mean nothing now so I had to buy myself a $400 ring which I am sure is only worth $40 but you know how those jewelry mark-up prices are!

But I digress. Addiction sucks. No matter what you are addicted to it's just awful. 9 years ago my cousin died because he couldn't get his fix and used a sub to inject himself with. Then last month a friend of mine from grade school overdosed. Both men were about the nicest, sweetest guys you could imagine. I hate how people just assume addicts are low life trash. It's just not true. Addiction can happen to anyone and sometimes it happens to the nicest people. We just need to escape and we don't know how else to do it.

1 Comment
  1. jjrocksarizona 10 years ago

    it is so easy to become addicted to Ebay because it is right in fron of you. as a member of NA with some substantial time i still feed my retail theraphy addiction at times. read my other response to your blog and feel free to become a friend. i have gone through what you are going through more than once. remember that recovery is a journey not a destination and use the rest stops God provides along the way……….

     

    NA hugs and love,

     

    JJ

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