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So I drunk last night. I drunk more than I should have. It left my moods being totally irattic. It didn’t surprise me.  To those that my have been in the chat room when my mood changed.. I’m sorry.

I didn’t expect anything different really. When I drink, the "booze blues" always seem to come soon after. I ended up in a dark place, and as I didn’t want to make the room sad I took it upon myself to remove myself. I ended up going to sleep around 4am.

I had my dreaded appointment with my probation officer today. He picked up on my mood i’m sure. Maybe it was my body language. I told him about the drinking, suicidal thinking and not going to the course that I should be. He told me that I should just "pull my finger out" and go. As if these things are that easy. I wish more people would understand that It doesn’t work like that. If it was as easy as simply "pulling my finger out" or "biting the bullet".. It really frusturating and upsetting. I left the appointment feeling worse than I went in. He is ordering me to go back to the psychcologist too. He has NO idea how that idea makes me feel. I’m just a total nutcase. When I was on my way out he tried to make a stupid joke about my negativity. Saying something like "next time you come in, I want you to focus on being as negative as possible, sigh loudly, and don’t maintain eye contact".. I guess that what I was doing in the meeting. He is making me see him every 2 weeks again. Oh joy. One step forward, two steps back.

Needless to say as soon as I left the appointment I headed for the bottle shop. I spent the last 20 bucks I have on a cheap bottle of wine.

I have classes again tomorrow. I don’t know if i’ll go. I should but I’m no good at it. I’m not worth it. My probation officer made some stupid remark about me studing.. I can’t be bothered even repeating it.

On a happier note, I actually laughed today.. just now.. I was reading a note on my guestbook that was left for me, and it made me laugh. Genuinely laugh. It wasn’t forced. It was strange. Thank you Morf for making me laugh, when I feel like all hope is lost.

 

The light fills the sky

Please strike me down  where I stand

Death is in the air.

 

 

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