Last night I came on, but wasn’t feeling very social, so I ended up laying down on my bed, and crying myself to sleep (again). I woke up with nice bloodshot and puffy eyes. Such a beautiful sight.
To make things worse, my hair now looks black. I didn’t want it black, I wanted a dark brown. So now i’m suck with black hair until I dye it back, which I have no idea when that will be. I hope I don’t look too much like an idiot. That teaches me for doing a home dye job, when i normally go to the hairdressers.
I didn’t do much today, infact I didn’t do anything appart from read a bit of a book i have already read, and write an email. Thats it. Such a boring existance.
I feel like I was doing so well. I mean i’m doing all the things that people told me to do, get out of the house, go for a walk, go to the psycologist, stop drinking… I was feeling good, until a few days ago, when I was having a low day, and everything just crashed around me. Even the happiest people can have a few bad days right? I kinda feel that this one slip up, of not doing the "good" things, like going out of the house, has all of a sudden make me worse than I was before..
I know i’m stronger than this.. Its just a rough patch right? It will get better again! I have to belive it. I have to belive that what i’m doing is right, even though it sometimes feels like i’m becoming a worse person for it.
I know i’m not the "happy go lucky" person I was before, but that was because I WAS DRUNK MOST OF THE TIME! and now that i’m not drinking, my personality has changed. I can see this. I don’t know what to do?! my head tells me I should just start drinking again, and maybe people will start liking me again, and yet, there is the other voice saying, That I know that is not the right thing to do.
I’m so confused. Should life be this confusing?
I have gone the opposite to what I was yesterday. I didn’t eat hardly anything yesterday, and today I have gorged myself on anything and everything. This is not going to help my cause what so ever. I know this. I feel like just vomiting all the toxins out of my body. Keep on throwing up until everything of me is out. Start afresh. But i know this wont work. Its not that simple. Nothing is simple anymore. What seems to be an insagnificant decision, Is becoming a huge one, a life altering one, one that effects everyone around me.
There are times when I think that i’d be better of alone.. no one around me.. no one to hurt.. no one to confuse, or cause an issue to.. Just become this hermit that lives in a small house, by myself with my dog and my cats to keep me company. Give up society. I might get this. Maybe I will- maybe I wont. Who knows?