This deplorable depression takes a hold of my life. I want nothing more from her. The sunshine will not light my face. I take comfort in the fact that as the days pass I am closer to death’s bed. Embraced in the warmth of wood and formaldehyde, never again to see the starlight of my youth pass by. The sun will not burn. The wind will not chill. The moon will not meet my dream. I will be whole once again. It shakes me to think of this if only a passing thought. I want to believe that one day this will all end. This life willingly fails me. I want to reach out and touch and feel your life.
I want to wear a pink dress and ride a bicycle through the trees.
When will I be loved? Will there still be a beat left in my heart. When will that day come to pass? Tears cover my face as I wonder when my suffering will end. What do I have left? Love is lost forever. Will my life be filled with emptiness only to be filled with anti-depressants?
Looking over a fence into the world beyond my backdoor I see things that amaze me. A world tilting on it’s axis of injustice and poverty of mind. Feeling spinning out of control… unable to control time or life. I exist only to further the unquiet fury of the mind. People in chaos.
Occasionally I have these small blips. At a party once I was in a conversation with other guests when I felt as if someone was tapping me on the shoulder. I turned but no one was there. My shrink thought this may have been a muscle spasm…a friend thinks maybe it was a ghost. Another example of strange occurrences…. Today on the train for a fleeting moment I thought I felt a mouse running around in my bag. I was so convinced that I had to open my bag to ensure I had no furry creatures in my possession.
I am tumbling down the rabbit’s hole into a deeper depression that I can not understand. Hours are spent wasted in my dreams. Days are lost as I stare at the wall. I feel nothing. Nothing is how I feel. It would be beautiful to walk out in sunshine and be happy to be alive but, those actions are beyond me. I feel like crying but, I cannot.
Why do I hide my depression from my friends and family? Would they understand? I feel hopeless most days. I want to sleep in cocoon and dream my life away. Why am I not strong enough to change this part of me? I fall into the same patterns. I fuck up at work. I fuck up my life. I cannot function as myself. I want to be someone else. I must be different. My whole life I have tried to wear the mask of happiness. Inside I am dying. I try to make others happy but am unable to be happy myself. I almost never cry. Today my tears make up for many months without. I can’t understand why this is happening to me. When I was twelve or thirteen I made my first attempt at suicide. No one ever knew. I tried again at sixteen, seventeen and eighteen. I guess that is teenage angst.