It's been a very busy weekend for me. Tonight I'm feeling it. I'm very down and just want to cry. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way ~ there's no particular reason. But I guess this is why it's considered a mood disorder, because there's no sense in what my moods do. I should be happy because I had a good weekend with family and friends and the kids, but I don't feel happy. In fact today I just feel like curling up into a ball under the covers and facing the wall while I sob until there's nothing left. I feel so alone, and nobody's company can dispel it. I've tried being around people today and that didn't do me any good; I left after a very short while. Luckily they understood.

It rained most of the day which I found fitting. My mood got along with the weather perfectly. I spent a good deal of my morning sitting on the porch watching the rain come down in buckets and journaling, hoping that would help me feel better. Sadly it didn't. But the rain at least muted the heartache for awhile.

The day didn't start out the best either ~ by 10 a.m. Zachary and Aaron were fighting and I had to get into the middle of it and play mediator. I know it angered my husband that I stepped into the middle of it but I don't care: there's no reason to be screaming at a seven year old boy. I don't care what he did. Later after Aaron calmed down I took him aside and spoke with him about his lack of control, and then I took Zach aside and talked to him about his lack of respect. It's a vicious circle that just keeps going round and round. I'm so tired of it. I don't want that for my son. Aaron needs to learn to control his temper MUCH BETTER.

It was good that he went down to our friends' house to watch the hockey game with Mike ~ it gave us all some time away from each other. Zach stayed with me and then we went down a few hours later. Like I said we only stayed for a little bit and then Zachary and I came home. I took a nap while Zach played Angry Birds on my phone. When Aaron got home things were a lot less tense and we all sat down and played a couple of rounds of Candy Land with Zach. He won the last game so he went to bed on a good note.

I'm going to make myself shower in a little while and wash my hair. Being in the salty air yesterday has made it feel gross even though I washed it the day before yesterday. Maybe grooming myself will make me feel better. I'll at least sleep better, I know that much.

For once I didn't forget to take my 2nd dose of Ritalin today ~ I was proud of that. I forget all the time and that may play a big part in my mood instability lately. It's weird though, one minute I'll be fine and then then next it's like I drop through the floor. I just don't understand it. Maybe it's when my 1st dose of Ritalin drops off.

I'm going to go start a load or two of laundry before I head for bed. We've got a lot of it to do and I don't want to be stuck doing it all day tomorrow because that's my last day off before going back to work. Once again I find myself dreading it, going back to work that is. It's only a 4 hour shift on Tuesday though, so I should be able to handle that just fine. Or at least limp my way through it.

It looks like for the 2 weeks after school lets out I'm going to be taking care of my best friend's daughter until summer camp starts up. I don't particularly want to do it, not because she's a bad kid or anything, but I don't want to be responsible for another child all day long. But it was the lesser of two evils considering the other option my friend had, so I went ahead and agreed to it. I'd much rather have her with me than with her biological Dad who is a piece of absolute sh*t. Sorry, don't usually cuss much but this guy's a piece of work, let me tell you. I'm not going to go into it other than to say that he doesn't bother with his kids ~ he lets them roam the streets and do whatever and his daughter is petite, pretty and only 7 years old. She could get snatched up in a heartbeat and he wouldn't even know until after nightfall.

Anyway, enough about that. I'm doing what I can to keep her in a safe environment instead. I hate that he has any rights to either her or her brother but I can't do anything and neither can her mom yet. There's going to be a custody war coming soon.

I feel so grateful that I don't have to deal with that type of thing and that for the most part I have a good family life that provides my son what he needs. There are definitely things that can be improved upon ( like Aaron's control issues for one, or my lack of motivation for another ) but for the most part thingsare decent. I know he's in a safe place and no one is going to hurt him or do anything to him. Everyone in this house loves that child and he knows it even though he and his Dad argue sometimes. He doesn't have to want for anything he needs. If anything one of our faults is over-indulging him some.

I hope unlike myself you all are having a peaceful evening full of serene things. My best bet is to get to bed soon. Maybe in the morning I'll feel better about everything. I can hope for that at least. I know sometimes sleep helps reset my moods. Wishing you all a good night.


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