So I’ve recently been feeling more anxious and depressed. I can’t sleep because I have so much on my mind, and then when I finally fall asleep (at around 2 am), I fall into a deep sleep, that I just cannot wake up for classes in the morning. It makes me so frustrated that I cannot wake up for class. I hate missing class. But then on the same token, I hate going to class. I think my depression is making me hate class. I just feel like I have no interest in class. I’m a senior, getting ready to graduate, and know that in order to graduate I need to go class, but at the same time, I can’t get myself to go. I mean, I’ve been going, but I just feel so horrible while I’m sitting there. I think I just feel hopeless. I feel hopeless about my career choices and I feel hopeless about the world around me. Things have been going on in the world that have been really scaring me. I think in a way, I’m scared to graduate college, and my inability to go to class is the result of the fears. It’s like my subconcious mind is directing me not to go, to fail my courses and stay in college longer, so I don’t have to deal with paying bills while still looking for a career. Wow, I feel as though I really am a negative person. I guess that’s what happens when you are a psychology major- you try to analyze all the little details of your life.
But anyways, I’ve been real anxious over the past couple of days and I really have been trying to just ignore my anxiety and just focus on schoolwork. But tonight (or rather this morning, since it is after midnight now)I just started to cry for no reason. I mean, I suppose there was a reason, but it was not apparent to me at the moment. Looking back, I think all the stress just hit me and then I really felt resentment toward my friend because she signed me up for a presentation at school, while knowing that I really did not want to do it. It’s an extra credit presentation that she is working on and I helped her get a couple sources for it. She then emailed the professor the presentation with my name on it, inadvertently letting the professor know that I would be presenting the project with her. My friend later came to tell me that she had done that and claimed that it was an “accident”. I really don’t believe it was because she’s done things like this before and she always tries to get me to do whatever she is doing. She can never do anything on her own. It frustrates me because I feel as though I am a very independent person and I appreciate doing things on my own. My friend, on the other hand, does not like to do anything on her own. So when I found out she had signed up to do this extra credit, I predicted she would ask me to do it with her, but I really did not want to just because I have all this other work to do. So in my opinion, she deliberately left my name on the assignment so that I would feel obligated to present the project with her. She’s so immature and selfish.I just feel resentment toward her because I feel like she is always trying to pressure me into doing things with her, when I really don’t want to. It is difficult to say no to her because she knows how to make me feel guilty. I think I just have to learn to be more assertive. I have to learn to speak up and not be afraid to state my feelings. I can’t always be a people pleaser- it just adds to my depression and anxiety.
Wow- I forgot how good it feels to write my feelings out more. I really need to maintain my blog more often. It helps me to get my feelings out there and feel much better. I just needed to release my anxieties and worries. Maybe I will be better able to sleep now.