So I’m lying here thinking about how good it felt to make a blog post and I wanted to make another one to just express my feelings. As you know from my last post, I’ve been feeling really anxious recently. I feel like my depression was under control for a while, but now that I’m at back at school after a long summer, and I’m starting to get stressed, my anxiety has just gotten worst. My OCD doesn’t help either. My OCD is mainly obsessional and my obsessions are pretty awful. I don’t really want to discuss them on this post, but they really make me feel bad. I experience them almost all day, except if I am asleep or if I try really really hard to focus on something. My obsessions make me feel like a horrible person. They just make me feel really bad and I always wish I could just push them out of my mind. I mean, I understand OCD does not work like that and I understand that by trying not to think about my obsessions, I’m really just making them that much worst. It’s just difficult to experience these thoughts. I just feel like they make me a bad person.
I really have to realize that my obsessions are just signs that I am anxious. I think that if I can realize that I have obsessions because I am very anxious about something else (which is totally unrelated to the theme of the obsessions) then maybe I will be able to deal with my OCD better. Then I would just have to get down to the bottom of the anxiety. I would have to figure out exactly what was makingme anxious in the first place and then I would be able to rationalize with myself. If only it were that simple. It’s only that simple in my imaginary world (haha). In my head it makes sense, but the reality of it is something totally different.
I just feel like my OCD and depression are totally getting in the way of my life. Like I feel like I just can’t have a normal life. These issues just get in the way of everything. I need to learn some bettercoping skills than the ones I’ve been using recently, because the ones I’ve been using clearly have not been working. I really need to figure out what to do and fast, because I can’t always be stressed out.. it’s just not healthy. Well, I’m exhausted and I feel like I’ve been writing forever, so I’m going to get into bed and try to get some sleep. But I will definitely be back here tomorrow to write some more. I feel like it’s helping me already, and I really enjoy it.