I’ve been feeling really low the last few days. I’ve lost my appetite, feeling sick, and crying. Something I really don’t do that often. Simply cause I don’t think I should.
I was in a meeting today with these bloody rehab people and they are really pushing me to do some sort of work, be it volunteer or paid. They really don’t care. They don’t give a crap about me. I’ve told them that I really don’t feel ready to do work. I’m crap, I’m just not good enough, and most of all I have this huge fear of failure. I tried to tell him that i’ve been really down lately, but he didn’t seem to understand (as most people unless they have depression or something simular never do). He just wants to push push push. He’s making me feel worse!! He said that he wants to pick me up from my house and take me out to some volunteer places, little does he know that I find that idea very horrible. I can’t be in a car with an almost stranger! This whole thing is just crazy. I can’t do this. I just want to run away from all this crap.
I’m going to be in trouble with my p.o. I haven’t been in contact with her for about 4 weeks now. If she wants to contact me, she has my number. I’m just going to try and hang out until the probation finishes, witch is in a few weeks time.
I’m thinking really bad things right now. I just want to get all this emptiness out of me. I feel like hurting myself. Maybe if i go back to hospital things will get better. Oh I don’t know. I’m in such a mess right now. I’m sick of being like this. I hate myself so much. I just wish I was different. I wish I wasn’t me. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? I think it must be.
I AM OVER THIS!