I'm sitting here watching QVC like I do a lot; I love it. It's like any other sunday, work tomorrow followed by 4 more days of the same routine. I really had a good day, church this morning, dinner with the family, and some shopping. I was fine until I got home. We were having a family game night, which we do about every 2 weeks. I was FINE and then all the sudden I was just over it all. It was like I couldn't stand being in the room with everyone another second. Everything I heard from anyone was just annoying me. I just had to leave so I did, and naturally everyone was wondering what the hell was wrong with me. That's my problem, I think. At least around my dad's family. I always have one a shiny happy exterior around them, and they have no clue what is going on really inside my head. Sometimes I just want to scream at them, wanting them to understand and notice that I'm not a happy person all the time, it's impossible for anyone, especially me to be like that. Maybe that's my issue too, that I hold everything in. But the thing is, part of me doesn't want them to know. I suppose i don't like exposing my true self, for instance i hate crying in front of people. I dont like being vulnerable or showing my true emotions. I came home from my dad's house and just went upstairs to my room and wanted to cry so bad, but there was nothing. Just emptiness. I'm just numb. I feel like an empty shell, which is retarded because i have so much in my life to be gratefull for, but of course like every other blessed person, i have to grump about something. But the thing is, i can't think of one thing i want, that i don't have. Something is just wrong. I sometimes think, i could end all of this. Obviously i dont, because i know better. But i'm afraid one day i might not know better. It's just like, i'm so tired of trying and putting on a happy face. I wish my happy face was real. That i meant what i was doing or saying. Sometimes i just get so down for no reason and i cant' explain how i feel. I dont want to tell anyone because i don't think they will understand what is going on inside my brain. I feel stupid being upset over nothing when i should be happy about everything. I feel better now though. I think this is going to help, typing my feelings out with no care in the world who reads this, if anyone even does. there's a lot more to my story, a lot more background, but for tonight i'm good now.

1 Comment
  1. Lakshmi 6 years ago

    Dear friend ,
    I can understand how you might be feeling coz I have been going through your same situation since years , Every body around me used to wonder what is it that is wrong with me , why could I stay happy . Some one even suggested it's coz of my laziness that is pulling me back from everything . At times I feel so happy and refreshed and in the next moment I am all lost , feeling lonely and exhausted.
    You should understand something that it's coz of your illness that you feel so bad at times. I highly recommend you to consult a psychiatrist as soon as possible , or if you are taking meditation , I assure you to stay strong . It's really nice to know that you feel better after exploring your thoughts and which is the best way to heal yourself .

    Dear friend , who ever you are , I just want you to be happy . If ever you wanna share your thoughts , you are always welcome . Best wishes .

    0 kudos

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