After a month of relative peace, I feel like my depression is back. Or coming back. Maybe it was from rereading my story I wrote about a girl falling in love. I envy her. I created her to mirror me but also find the happiness I have yet to find.
I look at my Facebook friend's in relationships and I can't help but envy them. I don't have a bf and never have. I feel ugly and unwanted in these moments.
I really wish I could be content with the love of my pets. I don't feel like my family loves me–some members more than others–but I know they do. My dad hugged my last night and told me he loved me and I couldn't help but feel awkward. What's wrong with me??
I long to meet my soul mate but I want to be able to tell him about my depression and my past. I want him to still love me after he hears of my suicide attempts and my self harming.
Maybe the Matthew I created in my story is too fictional. He hears about Bailie's depression and sees her self harm and he hugs her. Maybe that's not how a guy would react. Maybe they would be angry like my dad was when he found out about my self harming.
I don't know what I'm going to do about this school I'm trying to get into. They have to make sure I'm stable but it's times like these I feel I'm not. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to kill myself because I feel like a strain on my family. And part of me wants to live and see what God has planned for me.
And part of me wants to know why they hell I'm still suffering.
I just want to feel the love of my family and be happy. After seven years with depression, I need something more in my life.
Thanks to any that read this