My depression has taken a turn for the worse these past few weeks. Its now affecting my sleeping and eating habits. Before I knew I had depression I always thought there was no way I could have it because I was eating and sleeping normally. Well, not anymore. My sleeping patterns are non existant. I usually go to bed around 4 or 5 in the morning because Im just not tired until then. Then I end up sleeping all day and miss classes and get in a lot of trouble for it and feel like a piece of shit. Now whenever I think about going to sleep I get this overwhelming wave of guilt. I guess I now associate sleep with guilt because sleeping tends to get me into trouble. I dont think Ive seen more than 10 hours of daylight in the past week.
As for eating, Im never hungry anymore. Im not anorexic by any means, Im just never hungry and when I sit down and try to make myself eat I just feel sick. Like I almost gag. Ive always done that though. I cant eat when Im not hungry or Ill just throw up. Every once in a while Ill be thinking about eating and for some reason the thought pops in my head that Im full and I must have eaten a ton today, then I realize… I havent eaten anything today. That comes and goes though. I ate a lot today.
The other day I woke up, right before it got dark out ( I hate that), and I went outside to smoke and I just sat there and thought about stuff. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized just how bad my depression really is and how sad I really am. Up until then I knew I was depresed but I never really felt straight up depressed. I was more likely to be mad or irritated. But that day I just felt down right sad, hopeless, worthless.. completely depressed. It was such a slap in the face. I was just like "Oh my God, this is not good at all. This is dangerous. I dont feel stable at all. Maybe it would be a good idea to tell someone". And just thinking that scared me to death. I was scared for my life that day. I needed help really bad. Then I realized it must have been getting worse for a while because even my mom, who I barely talk to, said she was starting to get worried about me. So I called my aunt and asked her to start looking for a new therapist.
Anyways, its getting bad. Real bad. And I hope my aunt finds another therapist soon. Because I dont want it to get any worse.