The morning before my surgery and I cant sleep. So figure this road has been long and difficult and it almost over. I am anxious and I am probably making a big deal out of nothing but with my brain working the way it does it seems like a big deal. I have been stressing about it since Wednesday and I want toput my thoughts down on paper. First I worried about if something happens to me. Like if there is a complication during the surgery and if I don't make it how will my family deal with it. It is hard being the strong person in your family and having people depend on you and if something happens who will take care of my family. The other worry is what if I can't have children or if it is difficult conceiving likes those are worried because I feel like I struggle enough. With the depression and fighting, with all the heartbreak and mourning etc…. I just want something to go easy. I want to be able to get married and have children and have some kind of peace. I think at the end of the day all I want is PEACE and JOY. I want to be able to live my life and not struggle all the time. There use to be this happy young girl who inspite of having a difficult childhood I was still able to be happy. I remember the people who use to protect me, to love me, to be there just in case. The security is not longer there. I find myself loving a wonderful man, who is sweet and gentle and make me feel beautiful. We aren't perfect but it seems for us we are. I want to let go, to trust that he will protect me, provide for me and continue to profess his love for me. I know it hard because the last relationship I had I was deeply in love and I wanted so bad to open myself up. This was my first love and of course I was happy for it to be my last. It did not happen and since then I've been afraid to let the guard down again. To be open in love, to be free by it and not worry about heartbreak again. My brain and my heart are not connected on this matter. Therefore it continues to be a struggle to me. I type this praying that all is well. I type this hoping this is not my last and if it is I stand by my words.
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