Bipolar is the worst rollarcoaster I've ever had the misfortune to ride on. You can do everything right. Like take your meds at the same time everyday. Stick to a strick rutine. Eat, sleep, and exercise and still the horrible cycle comes. It blind-sides you with tricks of the mind.Its worsewhen you get to have the up side to it.When you feel good forawhile. The best you ever felt and than bamb.
I was doingso good. I started college. I have A'sin all my classes. I waseating right. getting exercise. Taking my meds. I was feeling wonderful.Full of life. Then three daysago it was like walking into a brick wall. BeforeI even knew whatI was doing I was slitting mywrists and hoping to die.The pain struck me all at once.The feeling thatI was never going to rid myself of thishorrible disease overwhelmed me. I justknewmy family would be better off without me. Thankfully itdidnt work. It was just enough of a release for mybrain to register whatI was doing. NowI am overwelmed with guilt and hatred toward myself. I tried to go to my support system. Iwent to my pdoc and askedfor help. she saidI needed therapy. I called everyone in the phone book with no luck.They either dont takemedicare or they dont treat my disorders. I went to my husband whois sick of this. "are you trying to push meaway. Its always the same with you.You justneed to tough it out, get over it and move on."Itold my sisterI was having trouble and she has avoided me like the plague. So I sit alone and dwell. No one knows what I did. I kept that to myself for fear they will lock me up AGAIN. The hosp cant help me. I dont think anyone can.
I honestly feel likeI have really tried. I've done everythingin my power to avoid this. Now that itshitI am at a loss. I have nowhere to turn.No one to talk to. I fear hearing those words"jsut get over it" whenIso desparately want to, but lack the powerto. I know its a trick of my mind. I knowwhats spinning in mymind is wrong. I know this but lack the ability tomake it go away.To stay in control and not get overwhelmed with it. It sucks to think that its always going to be like this. That I will have good times only to crash into the obyss of dispare at the drop of a hat. Its not fair. Its not fair to my family, my children, my husband, or me. It hurts. It hurts bad. Feeling like a failure. Damaged goods. Forever doomed to this dispair. I hate that death is the only freedom from these shackles I can find.