Okay, so I think that maybe writing down all the major bad things in my life might help to make them seem less horrifying to me, I don’t know if this will really work or not. 

Okay, so we will start at age 3 when my parents got divorced, I dont even remember them ever being together, I dont really feel like that phases me much. But it had to have some effect on my right? I have found that, while I am only 18, it is impossible for me to trust people in an intamate relationship. I think this might have something to do with that, I dunno. Anyways, so as far as I can remember everything is gravy, i live one week with mom, then one with dad. Then when I am about 8 I think, my mom falls down the stairs an breaks her arm and cant work. She gets severly depressed and there were and still are rumours about her resorting to illeage drugs and the likes, but no one will ever tell me directly what went down. All i know is that soon, my dad was asing me if I wanted to live full time with him and I was all for it, cause even at 8 I knew my mom wasnt suited to take care of me. Now people tell me all the time how when I was a baby my mom was amazing with me, would spend all this time playing with me and all that. But that isnt the woman that I can remember, or know now. I just remember her as someone who abandonded me, I try not to think of her that way though. So, skip ahead a few years.. Im 12 years old with a 5 month old half brother, same dad. We had just moved in with my dads girlfriend and the baby, things were going great. Untill one day I get home from school and my world just shatters, my dad died. I dont remeber much of that day, I know I screamed, thats all. My dad was my best friend in the whole world, he was my world. Everyone was amazed at how fast I was able to cope with his death, but I never coped, I just had to suck it up and be strong cause no one else could. Imagine a little girl just osing her dad, having to take care of everyone else. i cant belive that they let/made me do that.  Anyway I left my new family, and my mom was found. Somehow, I dont know if I ever agreed or what happened, I ended up living with her again. We do not get along and she is not a good adult. Had to borrow my money to pay bills and buy food. Didnt understand the concept of kids shouldnt have to deal with that kind of thing. Everyone was fighting about my dad and his money and debts. It was horrible. Then, my grandparents, and I dont even know how to deal with this, didnt invite me to my own fathers funeral. I didnt even go to his grave untill this year, and he died in 2003. I secretly hate my grandparents I think,but I dont reallyknow. I dont feel much of anything these days. After my dad died everything else paled in comparison. Many more bad things have happened, my aunt going to jail, my best friend moving away, etc. I just dont process any of it anymore. Im emotionally dead, and only 18 years old.


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