Crying babies and yelling fiance. I feel like sometimes I
am breaking, if I am not already broken. I am so beyind
myself sometimes. I wish this medicine would work, or
atleast help a little. All I can do is breathe. I\'m trying
so hard to breathe. I sometimes want to runaway from it
all, but I just can\'t. I need something to give. Maybe for
only one thing at a time to come crashing down on me. One
thing at a time. One step at a time. I just want quiet so
bad, I need quiet. I sound crazy, and I feel crazy. I feel
so not me, or so not happy. I need so much more patience
than I have, and I need more understanding than I have. I
need more coping skills than I have. I need more lots of
things that I don\'t have. If I could just take a difficult
situation and not freak out, and keep my cool, and take
the time to relax and take care of it. But, I feel like I
just can\'t. I just can\'t stop worrying or freaking out. I
can\'t stop crying or getting full of rage. I can\'t stop
sulking and wanting to escape. I can\'t stop. I am angry
and resentful. I am sad and lonely. I am scared and fed
up. I am irritated and panicky. I am lost and deppressed.
I am ashamed and hateful. I am condescending and not good
enough. If I died tomorrow the only thing I would have to
show for myself is my kids. And, Savanna doesn\'t respect
me enough to listen to a single thing I say and sometimes
Sierra is unconsolable and I can\'t make her happy. I wish
I could stay in bed forever. Give me a notebook and a pen,
a cold pillow and warm blanket, a tv with a remote and
cable, a bathroom two feet away, and a chef and a servant,
and I would be set. If I could just stay there for a
while. If. If I could be alone. Alone in the quiet. For
even just a little while. I need to hear nothing for some
time. I need to hear nothing. I need lots of things out of
reach or out of touch. Lots of things I\'ll never have or
never see. Things that are not there. Things that are
gone.
