Seth is a different person. He is so aggitated all of the
time. He flips out for no apparent reason, and then later
on apologizes for it. He treats me like shit lately. He is
always yelling and spanking Savanna, and even yells at
Sierra. I am just so sick of his miserable attitude I wish
he would just go away and keep his misery to himself. If
he is so unhappy, which is the case quite obviously, he
should leave. He makes me feel bad all of the time and its
causing me so much extra stress. He makes me cry daily.
When we fight it is so bad. He is so mean to me. He will
say the most awful things to me and make me feel so
terrible and then like the rest of the time he will later
on apologize for the hurtful things he had said to me. I
just cant stand him like that anymore. I feel like there
is something going on with him, but of course he doesnt
talk about it. He lets the littlest pettiest shit ruin his
entire day, and then he ruins my day. I dont even know if
I am still in love with him anymore. I love him, but I
feel like it is a different kind of love. I dont have any
want to be intimate with him at all, not because of a lack
of physical attraction, but a lack of emotional
attraction. I just dont want to have sex or even kiss
someone that always is a dick to me. He is selfish, and
incredibly lazy. His word is no good. There are so many
things that he does or doesnt do that make me feel like
its just over. I feel like he has become a totally
different person, and I do not like this new person. I
cant get along with this person, and I cant make myself
want to love this person. I dont understand why he is
being this way. I dont know what changed for him in his
life. If having me for a wife and having our two children
is too much for him I wish he would just leave. I feel
like he doesnt want us anymore. I feel like he wants
nothing to do with Sierra and thinks of her as a burden. I
feel like he doesnt want the responsiblity. I think it
makes him miserable, and thats a shame. But, if he really
hates it that much he is not chained here and he can just
leave. It makes me feel terrible thinking that we are such
a burden and a dread for him. I dont want to be the cause
of someones misery. He should just leave. I tell hime to
leave and he never goes. I am just sick of it. I wish I
could just leave him. Relieve him of his
burdens "children". Seth now is not Seth then. I miss the
Seth that I fell in love with. I miss being happy with him
and wanting to be with him. I miss him. He spends so much
time on his make believe video game world, and I think
thats because he is trying to forget he is here. It is
making me deppressed. Really deppressed. I dont want to
live this way anymore. I just dont know what to do about
it. We have two kids together. They need their father in
their life. Seth is my best friend, and I wouldn\'t be the
same without him but I find myself wondering if that is
what we need to do. It makes me feel really bad when I
doubt our love. I dont know if he really loves me anymore.
I dont think he really loves Sierra, and I think he loves
Savanna but that he thinks she is more of a burden then a
joy. I think I am going to email him this entry. See what
he thinks. I know he isnt going to talk about it with me,
or tell me whats going on, but atleast he might understand
how I feel. If nothing changes, one day this will all blow
up. One of us will leave, and we will break up. Neither
one of us should be trapped in a miserable relationship.
Our kids deserve happy parents, and we just are not giving
that to them. I am not perfect either. I know that and
dont ever claim to be. But, I want to work on it I want to
talk about it and I want to fix it. It seems to me like he
doesnt want any of those things. He would rather ignore it
and walk away than address the problem and talk about it.
I tell him what I want and need from him all of the time.
I never hear from him what he wants and needs from me. He
never tells me anything. Our communication is beyond
terrible. He shuts down when there is friction, which
counter reacts with my need to vent and talk it out. I
have no idea what he is lacking or wanting, and maybe I
never will. He doesnt want to open up to me. I dont know
why, but it is like he would rather have it fall apart
than put in the effort to try. Maybe he just doesnt want
to fix it and is waiting to break up. Maybe he wants to be
with someone else doing something else being someone else.
I would rather hear the truth that would crush me then
feel the burn of this miserable relationship. I am
starting to wonder why we are even together. What is
keeping us together. Maybe its the kids. I am just not
sure anymore. I love him, but I just hate how he is. I
know its not going to just get better one day. I know that
our problems are not going to fix themselves and that it
is going to take so much effort from both. But I am a
realist, and we have been saying we need to work on us
since he cheated on me. It has been years that this has
been going on and it just gets worse. I just wish I knew
what was going through his head and how he feels about
everything. I need to know. Are we really meant to be
together, or are we young and stupid and too fucked up to
make it ever work. Does he even want this life. Maybe he
is deppressed. I wish he would make an appointment to talk
to someone about it. His personality has changed, and
something made that happen. I just want a happy family,
whatever that means and whatever that takes.

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