Alright

I’ve never really shared on here and honestly I’m not much for it in general. I just didn’t know if anyone might be able to relate I guess…

I can no longer feel in control of my actions regarding the health of my body. If there is any debate on the source of an issue I will freeze and become unable to deal with any facet of the issue. I can’t tell if I’m over-reacting or under-reacting so I do nothing.

Recently I have had some pretty serious health issues, I was hospitalized and nearly died. This experience has shed some light onto my pain tolerance: its high. I knew I was generally tougher than most girls (my gauge as most guys say nothing hurts them ever even when it does) my age but I honestly disregarded it as I was always tom boyish and never really fit in with girls anyhow, I kind of assumed most girls were just….less tolerant of pain so they freaked out at nothing? I’ve since grown out of this mindset but still just assumed my pain tolerance was just a bit higher than most. That is until I was wasting away in my room, whilst my organs began failing saying “Oh no its just the flu I’ll be fine.” and having a trained doctor become completely baffled at the news that I’d been walking around lifting boxes when in his words I had been “sick for weeks and should’ve been unable to move” based on the condition I was in upon arrival. Now that I’m out the other side I am anxious about all the aches and pains I have. All my life I’ve been in at least acute pain just about all the time. I again thought this was normal however after my hospital stay and realizing what organ failure feels like I think these pains I’ve silently endured over the years are more serious than I thought. So in short half of me is freaking out because I’m realizing the scope of my pain and the likelihood that I have a chronic physical disorder on top of my mental disorders….and half of me is freaking out because I can’t tell if its just my anxiety making me a hypochondriac. I know my pain is valid, I know I can barely stand for longer than 30 minutes at a time even thought I am average height and weight, I know that is not normal for a 21 year old, I know there is something wrong with me….But also what if there isn’t, what if my symptoms are easily explained away by stress, depression, and anxiety?  So instead of doing anything I’m frozen on the issue and its a mute point.

I just wonder if there is anyone else who experiences this sort of feeling frozen on important issues that you know you should deal with but just….can’t..? because what if you’re wrong and stupid??

Idk..

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