I'm having one of those days ~ the only thing I want to do is sleep and pretend that everything's okay, but it's not. I'm not okay. I'm feeling really anxious again this afternoon and have suicidal thoughts running rampant through my mind.

Huh…maybe I do need my Celexa afterall. Coming off of it was an accident; between the holidays and the pharmacy having to order more to fill my prescription, and being off of it for 5 days now ~ I'm starting to feel weird. That's the best way I can explain it. I'm going to go try to pick it up tonight from the pharmacy, and I'm going to have a FIT if they don't have it by now.

I'm so exhausted all of the time. I can barely keep my eyes open it seems. I wonder if that has to do with the lack of Celexa as well.

I thought that when all the seasonal stuff ended I would start feeling better, but Iwas wrong. Holidays always give me a hard time ~ not because I'm alone, but because I can't figure out why I don't love it like I used to. I feel callousand because of that I feel ashamed. I don't care about all the lit up houses, don't care about thedecorating of the Christmas tree, and don't care about makingChristmas dinner. I feel like that makes me a bad person, because I've got so many things to be thankful for. Why can't I just be grateful and happy? I have a beautiful and hilarious son, I have a loving and supportive husband, a Mom who loves me so much even though we drive each other bananas, and all of my wonderful animal friends to snuggle and love on whenever I feel like I want companionship.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing this all wrong. Should I stop taking my meds and try the holistic route? Should Ilet the doctors turn me into a hollow creature with all the medications that I'm on? When doesthe time come that you say," STOP IT! I've had enough!"? I've been on meds for close to 10 years now, andI have yet to really feelmuch improvement in my condition. What does that tell me?

I'm so tired of this. So tired of feeling this way, so tired of feelinglike the "real" meleft and will never come back,so scared that I'm going to spend my life in this slow but progressive downslide. Sowhat do i do? Do I try even harder to fight it even though it seems to be getting me nowhere? Do I just put the mask on that everyone wants to seeon me and hide the pain for the rest of my life? I just want to be accepted, loved and well.

I'm done blubbering about how "awful" my life is. I know that there are many other people out there that have it so much worse yet here I sit complaining about my problems.

I think I'm going to go back to sleep. At least my bed feels like a safe haven for me.