I'm 17 and throughout my life I have been pushed aside, ignored, picked on, ect. I didn't realize it when I was younger and I just moved on to another group of people, hoping that they would play with me or let me play what they were playing. I would have "rages" as my mom and dad called them in 5th grade, we never found out what was wrong but I never remembered them and they eventually went away, thankfully.

Eventually, but 6th grade I realized that playing wasn't normal, at least for me, so I just became quiet and let others come to me. It worked, until in 7th grade I got sick.

It was a mono-like virus that lasted for 6 weeks, but even after those 6 weeks I was still tired and sleeping all day. We went to the doctor, ect ect, it's hard for me to remember exactly how we got to the conclusion but I had a thyroid problem. Well we got that fixed and that summer I had my first period. Doesn't seem big now but it will later.

Now I finished 7th grade yay! But 8th grade rolled around and I became sick once again. I was in band and I started to pass out while playing the clarinet. This got to the point were I would pass out after walking through Walmart or walking up a few steps and I would sleep for hours again. Well, my mom decided one day to check my heart rate when I first stood up. It would jump from 80 to 180 just by standing. The doctor didn't believe my mom until she showed him and we finally were able to find out that I had a heart problem. It was nothing serious but I had to eat a lot of salt and drink a lot of fluid to keep my blood thick so I wouldn't pass out. We got me fixed and put me on a school schedual that allowed me to rest while still going to school.

Before I could begin my highschool year though…my mawmaw died that summer. I wasn't close to her, but she was my mawmaw, I would go to her everytime I got a good grade just to show off…She to my pageants when I felt good enough to be in one, she taught me to be strong. I loved her and it was hard to know she was gone. I started highschool off with that on my heart already making me sad. Well I once again got sick, this time the doctor was even more hesitant about putting me on homebound but my mom knew something was wrong so she got it. Eventually the homebound was up and I went back to school. The teachers treated me like shit and wouldn't do what the 410 stated I was allowed to do if I wasn't feeling well. I was outcasted again, but I was too tired to care.

10th grade…this is the year my mom pulled me out on homeschool. The doctor didn't believe that I wasn't feelilng good and my mom was tired of it. I was pulled out and did homeschool though it was hard when I had no teacher. But…also in that year before I got sick…my nana died. I was close to her, she was my place to escape when I wasn't feeling well, or was sad. I went to her house and spent the night for almost a month. I'm still not over her death…and it's been 2 years. 20 days after she died a teacher made fun of me for dressing up on halloween…and it was the first night I cut. The next day my "friends" hit me upside the head and told me I was a wannabe before they left. I had one friend to stay with me, and he's been my best friend since. He's got some problems too but I can't really tell him about mine…his problems come first. But my mom pulled me out on homeschool and I tried my best to do it until this last year when I got my GED.

I was finished with School so I decided I wanted a job. I got one at Rue21, it was one of my favorite stores. I loved it at first…until I did more work than anyone, and only got 3 hour shifts. I had to drive 40 minutes to get to the job, I quit 2 months after starting.

That's the jist of whats happened and in the mists of it I've had severe depression that I thought was normal. I have over 170 cuts on one arm…I'm too scared to do it with a blade I just scratch until I bleed. I also have to have fake nails because if my fingernails got to long I would shapen them and cut myself that way.

That's pretty much my life, at least what I remember and can type. I'm really tired now so hopefully I'll keep up with the day to day journal…I haven't been able to but hopefully I will.


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