I am new here, but this is a very cool site. Thanks to the creator…

A brief history… I have suffered from depression and anxiety since my early teens, and I am in my late 40's now.

I was adopted as a child, so since early on, I have had abandonment 4issues. While I was adopted into a great family, or so I thought, my parents divorced when I was 3. My mother stayed single, working 3-4 jobs, until she remarried to my wonderful stepdad when I was 12. Through no fault of her own, she wasn't around much during my formative years, and I was 7 years younger than my next sibling… I spent a lot of time alone. And, I still do today!

My mother passed away 3 months ago today. Two weeks after her passing, my Aunt died. And, 2 months to the day after my mother passed away, a dear friend and co-worker was killed on her way to work. It's true what they say about deaths coming in 3's. I lost my adoptive dad in 2001, a sister in 2004, and a week after her death, my niece was killed in a car accident. I've know way too much loss in my life… way too much.

I suffer from daily anxiety and take meds to help to control it, but they don't work anymore…really. I think they are, at this point, a psychological crutch. I have never been able to tolerate antidepressants, not the SSRI's, Tricylclics, or any other of the "happy pills"!

I am hurting deep inside… the one and only man that I have ever loved is a married man. Crazy… I have always found myself in relationships with men that are "taken"! And, we all know that contributes to depression… what the "F" am I doing? Why can't I find a single man that can meet my wants/needs, and me his? I have never been one to date a lot, as I am what many term "too picky", but really I am not… I just want someone that is interested in more than what I have to give, both sexually and emotionally. I want someone to take the time to really get to know me, and figure out on his own that I really am a beautiful person. I just wish that I could find someone that was truly understanding of the disease I fight, day in and day out…

I hate my life the way it is… DARK, SAD, LONELY. This really is no way to live. I see my friends out and about, going here and going there, happy as they can be, and here I sit… ALONE, SAD, JEALOUS, just to mention a few…

I have been VERY angry since my mother's death 3 months ago. I take it out on the wrong people; the ones that I love the most. It's not fair to them, I know, but I am hurting so badly… I just want people to know that saying things like, "it gets better with time", don't make me feel better!! How can losing a parent and the emotions associated with the loss get better? HELLO, that was my mother!!! NO, it will never get BETTER!

Sometimes, I sit here and try and make myself cry… I'd like to scream and yell… so everyone could hear my pain, but I just can't! And there are times that I can be reading or doing something, unconscious of what I am thinking, and just burst into tears. Some days, I cannot tell you my name… I call a dog a cat, and a cat a dog, as proper words just escape me. Formulating sentences, at times, is a real chore.

All I want to do, it seems, is SLEEP! When I am sleeping, I am not hurting.

I have also been suffering from panic attacks… they SUCK! I try and talk myself through them, fruitless! Truly, they make you feel like you're dying… and at times I think… I'd rather be dead… but, deep down, I don't mean it. I want to experience some happiness in life… there's got to be more to life than sitting in a chair in the corner of this room contemplating my next "loss".

Uggggh…. just sad and very lonely 🙁