So I survived China without too much trouble. The second day was probably the worst and I must’ve walked through the streets of Beijing for at least three hours before I sat down and came up with a plan. In some ways it was kind of comforting to walk through crowds of people that you couldn’t communicate with. It’s a real pain in the butt when you get hungry though.
My mood swings got pretty bad in my last few days in China. I think it was the thought of flying home that freaked me out. I would go from wanting to change everything about my life one minute, and then trying to think of ways to commit suicide using the implements in my backpack the next – none of them particularly attractive.
After I arrived back home the first day was fairly positive, but now it’s day number two and I’m starting to fall back into my old patterns. At the moment I’m all alone in the house, but I need to try and get out before everybody else gets home. I was planning to stay up all night and watch the Indian Premier League semi final, but getting out of the house is looking very appealing right now. I’m not sure where I’ll go – I’ll sort that out after I’ve finished the blog. I just wanted to get my head right before I ran off and did something stupid.
I just need to last another four days at home when I can fly back to work. Normally work is my safe haven, but this time I feel a bit different about it. I thought going overseas might clear my head a little and I would be able to segregate my depression into one little corner of my life, but it keeps spreading. My distractions and becoming less effective.
Flying back to work is starting to scare me just as much as flying back home.