I believe I'm an alcoholic. I have no control when it comes to alcohol and I'm tired of it controlling my life. I'm what's considered a "high functioning" alcoholic. Besidesa nasty hangover, alcohol hasn't affected me at my job, nor have I had any driving infractions. I'm able to care for my house and children. I've even told myself "Oh, you're ok. You don't drink everyday". That may be true, but, my history is that I drink a beer here and there, then inevitably, on my days off each week I get black out drunk. Binge drinking at it's finest. I wake feeling ashamed and hating myself. I embarrassed myself and my husband at his company Christmas party a couple weeks ago, I embarrased myself and my husband at my Christmas party last weekend. It's a neverending cycle that I can't seem to stop. Last night I got so hammered that my 14 year old son told me this morning "it's ok mom, you haven't been that drunk in awhile. You were due". That's so sickening to me. Why can't I just stop? Everyone including myself would be so much better off if I just stopped drinking. I'm scared. I've never fully committed to stop drinking. A few years ago I had a nasty fall (while drunk) and smashed my face causing a concussion and a black eye that lasted 2 weeks. I swore I was never drinking again. That lasted 6 days. I'm so scared I'm going to fail. What I do know is I want to stop drinking. I don't want to feel ashamed anymore. I want to be the mother my kids deserve. I want to be a respectable member of my community. I want my husband to have faith in me again and be proud of me again. Just reading the blogs here has been inspiring. This is a major first step for me. I'm hoping to attend meetings when I can muster the courage. In the meantime I plan on stopping by here as much as needed to help me through this incredibly challenging journey I'm about to take.