I tried to start 2013 with a positive outlook, but I have so much going on in my life it is very very hard to keep on top of my feelings. My dad has lung cancer – he has agreed to have the top half of that lung removed, but this will put an extra stress on his heart condition. He has a 1 in 20 chance of surviving the operation. My sister has just moved and separated from her partner of 9 years. On the one hand, she talks openly to me now, and the issues we had – mostly her – she admits to and feels very sorry for. I am delighted to have my sister back, and I have always loved her very much. But I feel her pain, and it hurts me that she is suffering. I want to move heaven and earth for her, but I can only follow her cues and help where she wants me to. My mum I found out from my sister was planning on runnung out on my dad last year with a man she has never met. She met and married my dad at 18, and is very naive. My dad is very controlling and has been cruelly emotionally abusive to her. He has always called me his favourite, which even as a child I said was unfair to my siblings and felt very uncomfortable with.
For years I have believed everything my dad told me, but I am recently realising that I was raised by someone who is mentally ill. He suffers from paranoia. My mum didn't stand up to him so we were raised on his ideas. As I was singled out by him, and told I had a duty to the rest of the family to fill his shoes as guardian of their safety, I have felt massively anxious and tried to make what doesn't fit sometimes fit in order to achieve his goal. I now realise that it is a nonsense, and I feel so lost. I can't properly reassess my life, as his hangs in the balance. I love him – in many ways, I am so angry with him, but he may lose everything soon, and who would turn their back on someone in that situation? I never fully bought his mantra, but I have felt such a weight of responsibility on me for so many years, that I cannot even begin to examine that without feeling very angry. And I do not want to be angry with him – he barely survived his bowel cancer op 4 yrs ago. I'm not confident he will survive this one. I badly need people to talk to, but everyone I know has so much going on I would be burdening them by talking to them about this. I hope you understand x