I dont know what to do. I'm tired of bringing myself down. Wondering what I did wrong. What is wrong with me, why is he ignoring, what did I do? It makes me sick to see him walk past me and not even look at me. Or how It seems he half heartedly says I love you. Am I not pretty anymore. Before I wouldve said fuck it and try to get some guy online to tell me i'm pretty and I'm hot and they would totally do me….but thats not me anymore. I'm not seeking random attention. I'm seeking what really and truely makes me feel better…..his smile, his hugs, his goofiness to tackle me and make me laugh, the way he says I love you when he means it. My husband doesnt believe in anti depressants. He thinks they are stupid and that I dont need them. That i'm capable of dealing with this on my own and they would only make me a zombie

Must be nice not to have depression. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like. Is that why some people with nothing are perfectly happy. How is this possible to be happy so much. I want it. I want to feel like everything is ok. But i'm stuck with this mental illness dragging me down challenging my ability to even get out of bed. I dont want to fight anymore. I dont want to cry everytime I feel like he's ignoring me or doesnt touch me.

I think i'm going to call my therapist so she can perscribe me something and just not tell my husband. I would rather be a zombie and not care what was going on then feel this hurt. I hate this hurt. keeps me from smiling.

I worked out hard again today. not as long as i usually do and not all the things i usually do but I made myself do it today. made myself push harder for the sake of my sanity. I hoped it would make me feel better and for awhile it did. but then I came home and the negativity overtook me again. I hate that negativity. Ugg there should be a surgery for depression. Like get this cut out and WaLA!! depression free. but theres not and the only other way to help myself is to medicate and I guess just not tell my husband and hope he doesnt get mad at me if he ever finds out.


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