One of my worst habits is that I constantly exhaust myself trying to analyze situations. I once dated this guy and fell in love with him. When that relationship ended I didn't think it was possible to love anyone as deeply again – but it happened. I learned that I could love again and fell deeper in love with someone else. This time I knew it was real and that it was "meant to be" Or at least that's how I felt during the honeymoon phase which lasted a good year. We became best friends.
After a year you start to notice things that irritate you.
During the second year there was a bit of a struggle and although I still felt unconditional love towards him – time became our enemy. As I was focused on completing school, he felt neglected – despite my efforts to communicate and see him on weekends (bearing in mind we lived 5 minutes from each other). So started talking to another girl and even though nothing manifested from that – I certaintly felt betrayed. How could I love someone who did that to me?
Year three was a mix of break-ups and a ton of fights – but I still loved him unconditionally.
Year four was painful. The fights continued. Even though we decided to move in together in a new city to get our career's going – It was not a happy time. We had to move out of the first place for health reasons. The second place was not in a good area. Then he went to LA for a month to work and nothing manifested from that. Then two weeks later I began to feel so unappreciated and neglected emotionally. Then we noticed we had "unwelcomed house guests from cracks in the walls".
At this point I was succeeding in my career – and he wasn't. The fights and attempted break-ups began again.
Then one weekend I went to visit my parents – we fought virtually and the next day he packed his stuff and was gone before I came home. So I ended the relationship. How could he have walked out on me so easily? That was not love. I was not going to accept what he had done despite the love I felt for him.
I struggled to find a new affordable place to live (living downtown is costly). I struggled to cope with my new loneliness and enhanced anxiety. I hated him so much. But like an idiot I caved – I couldn't stand the thought of never speaking to him or seeing him.
So we started to hang out more in an exclusive-type of courtship. He had to make the efforts to travel and see me as I was never going to travel to his new place (the basement of his newly married friend's house).
This brings us to today. Four months later.
Is this what I want? No.
Am I happy? Absolutely not.
I am so blinded by love and its killing me slowly.
Waiting for him is like waiting for eternity. In four months his financial situation is worse than ever and his career has not progressed to the point where he is making money from it. I told him I would not wait around forever for him so why am I doing it now? This is not the woman I want to be. This is not like back in the day when wifes had to wait for their husbands to get established.
What am I doing to myself? Selfishly feeding my physical and mental needs but neglecting my values – my self-respect?
Yes he is who I want to spend my life with – but he is getting off way too easy for what he has done to me.
I need strength. Strength to make myself believe that even though I will continue to go to work, come home and be alone every single day for as long as I have to – Then so be it. He needs to suffer.
He does not appreciate me or everything I have invested over the last 4.5 years. He is selfish and unworthy of my love.
I wish I had friends or the confidence to go out alone – but I don't. And even though it will make me more depressed to accept this and the fact that I am further away from achieving the happiness I desire from wanting to be a wife and mother one day – I have no other choice.
My standards are too high – Try to find someone else or even settling for less seems too exhaustive.
I will cry myself to sleep every night for the strength to live alone another day.
Suicide is not an option.
I want him to feel guilty and regret what he did to me. Vengence is the only way I can get even for the emotional damage he has caused me. How dare he take away my smile – my hopes – my dreams – my love.
I will lose my best friend, my security blanket and the one person I loved unconditionally to prove to myself that I will not let anyone disrespect me.
Fighting and being angry towards him gives me a sense of feminine empowerment –
I just hope I can stay true to my word because beneath this facade is a weak, fragile woman who caves at the chance to feel loved – even if it is by someone who does not appreciate my kindness and only lasts a little while…