I know I should get professional help for the problems I face regarding my mental health but I just feel unable to. The idea of opening up to what goes on in my head to a doctor or therapist frightens me. I've always had anxiety surrounding the doctors and due to what happened with my mom those feelings have only been amplified. I wish I had the courage to take the plunge and see my GP about my struggles so that they can provide me with the help I so very desparately need; but I can't.

I'm such a baby it's ridiculous. I know it's considered 'normal' to feel nervous when going to the doctors because let's be honest, they aren't exactly inviting places, are they? Thing is, I've been struggling with depression for some time now (nearly a decade!) and no adult has ever taken my problems seriously so I've never gotten help for it. I wish it was something that would just go away with time, with age if you will – but obviously that isn't the case here. If I could wave a magic wand and get rid of my depression I would. Sadly, I cannot. Sigh.

It's gotten to the point where I feel that if I don't get help, with the rapid decline in my mental health recently I might not make it to my 22nd birthday (2017). This is a frightening thought of course, but part of me is comforted by it – I really shoudn't be comforted by the thought that I could potentially be dead within the next two years. My pain would end but it would trigger someone elses. I don't want to be responsible for that. I just can't do that to my friends/family.

I don't know what to do anymore.