Isn’t it amazing how one day you can assume that maybe… just maybe you could be improving and then the next its like your eyes are covered in black cling film

Most days i think we tend to go around with an invisible mask on our face that we hide behind. We pretend to be happy not to worry people or not to ruin their ‘good time’. But behind closed doors we struggle with the ups and downs from day to day, or even hour to hour.

Its difficult because no matter how hard you say, tomorow will be a better you never seem to be able to controll how your going to feel. But i always  question why?

Why can’t we controll the way we feel? do our heads always over rule our hearts? and why cant we stop it?

Going through the horrible depressive thoughts are hard enought without having to go to hospitals, see specialists and take tablets everyday. I mean no wonder we have up days and really down days. Why Isn’t there ever a happy medium?

I used to get up in the morning and find myself laying there thinking…. i don’t want to get up and this was every  morning but now i find it so much easier but what did i do? what changed to make me get up the first time my alarm rang? well i dont know, the process was slow, very slow but i trained my brain to think of one thing a day that i can do when i get up. For instance i like to get my hair and make up done, so i would wake up and think im going to straighten my hair and do my make up… even if i wasn’t going out. It is about training your brain to think positive… its easier said then done, but it does happen.

I never used to feel like i had a purpose, i always used to just sit in front of the tv with my night clothes still on and not move. Not because i didn’t want to but because i physically couldn’t get up. It was like there was a weight on my shoulders stopping me from standing up. I couldn’t do anything that made me happy. I didn’t know what made me happy. At that time in my life i was blind to everything that was going on around me, i used to be able to just blank everything out and go into my own little world… and it wasn’t a good one.

I still have days like this,  not as many thank god but i have days where i feel low and just when i think i am doomed from my feelings i wake up the next day and the mood has lifted.

Can we learn to just switch our brains off and deal with the pain or do we some how pull through our depression?

I used to switch off. I thought that that was the way it was going to be. I thought this was my life, I used to cry all the time because i thought i  would be stuck with the same pain year after year. I just wanted to die. i didn’t want to feel like that anymore.but it doesn’t have to be like that. We shouldn’t have to live with this feeling, we dont deserve to feel like this. We can change it, we do have the power.

It started to calm down when i least expected it. I started to sleep again and i started to see things more clearly. It doesn’t happen like a click of fingers, it just gradually and painfully starts to slot into place.

Everyday i wish that i never had to feel like that in the first place and everyday i wonder what kind of day im going to have next, but i know that eventually it will improve. Every month there will be one more day to add to my happy list. And there will be for everyone.

My advise to you all, because we are all going through this, is to just hang on. It is painful, and it is long, but it will happen.

Everyday do something that will make you happy, even if it is just listening to your fav song. Hold on, because we are all together. Dont loose hope.

Tell yourself this… i WILL be happy.

 

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