I hermited. That was my solution to draw away from the world and interact with it on a as-needed basis. I formulated a system, a structure. I thought it would work for me and in a lot of ways it did…
I thought it did. I was depressed sometimes but then I could recognize when it was just depression and when it had a source. All the tools I had gained from therapy worked beautifully. I was starting to feel like a whole person.
I cooked when I wanted, went out when I wanted, pursued what I wanted, and lived with no regrets even when I made a mistake. I lived with my mistakes.
So what happened? I decided it was time to have friends. I decided it was time to stop hiding from the world and join it and I fell in love.
When it happened I was sick and happy. He was my ideal and I set the bar high just so I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing. He met criteria that I thought it impossible to meet. I was driven by him and I wanted nothing more than to experience his presence. I was addicted like a drug addict is addicted to any number of things that elevate them.
But there were complications, variables, a whole world of things that I couldn't control and I just left a vault a world I could control with certainty and somehow missed the signs, the cues, and everything. And now, I'm somewhere between angry at myself, him, and hurt.
I can see with the damned clarity of hindsight that in a lot of ways I was self-sabotaging and honestly that has me sicker than the rocky road our "relationship" is on. I feel like stumbled back inside a cycle that I lost, minimized, mitigated and I don't know … I don't want to be here anymore.
For the first time, desperation trumped anxiety and I called a therapy office. Let's hope I have the strength to follow up and call them and get what I need but now my life is again full of questions and doubts that I thought I had lost by stepping outside the level of life most people much less intelligent than myself seem to navigate with blissful unaware grace.
I don't want to be back here.