Me and Self-Harm

Since I was in 6th grade I’ve been self-harming, it was started as me trying to feel like I was in control of something. My mother’s husband just left us and I seen him as my real father, even though my actual father disliked that. After my mother’s husband left us, she was disagnosed with cancer and found out she was pregnant. Even -though she lost the baby, she won her battle with cancer but she had to deal with a 11 year old daughter “slitting her wrists.” In 6th grade I cut both of my wrist all the way to the forearm on both arms and went to school with a hoodie on in hopes of nobody seeing them. I was wrong, the school noticed and questioned me. Of course I lied, who would want to be known for somebody that self-harmed? My mother couldn’t understand why, I told her I wanted to feel like I was in control because it felt like my life was going down. And that started my path to self-harm. As I get into 7th grade, I’m at a new school and everybody is hoping I’m happy. But no, I self-harm and get caught (it happens again), they put me in therapy. I started to get better, untill I’m disagnosed with mood depression. My mother didn’t like that, so she took me out of therapy and told me if I “slit my wrist” again she is sneding me to the “crazy house.” I guess that’s where my anger with her comes from. That’s another disccusion, for another day. I soon go to my grandmother with tears in my eyes because I am hurting and I am in pain, I feel like life isnt for me anymore. From there she spoke to my mother about me going back to therapy but she said it was a phase, so from then on I kept my pain bottled up.

It’s freshmen year, brand new city meaning new school. I didn’t know anybody, which made me real anxious and I cried my first day. Going into freshmen year I lost my virginity at 14 years old to a 18 year old. I wasn’t ready and he knew that. He knew I was broken and just wanted to feel special, he used to brag about taking young girls virginity. He said he only fucks virgins. Freshmen year  I started having sex which was the biggest mistake I could’ve ever done. I then had sex with another male I knew because I thought I would feel better about myself if I did. Then I did it again, making it 3 people that has slept with an underage female. Each time I cried after because I still didn’t feel happy. Sex became my new coping mechanism with depression and I enjoyed it. I thought “if boys like them have sex with me then I can be happy about myself” but I was so wrong. I hated myself. I hated the person I was. I started to self-harm again. I felt broken. I felt lost. I did it thinking maybe my mother will find out and send me away. I didn’t like life at this time. I would cry after sex, why is a 14 year old even crying after sex? Fast forward to my sophmore year, I have all my friends figured out and I feel happy now. I still cry after sex. One situation happens that hurts me. I was going to have sex with this guy but in the beginning I black out and wake up, I cant remeber shit. I’m 15 now. I wake up to see him shaking his head at me, I ask him what happened and he doesn’t answer me. He says he has to go, I sit there crying and don’t tell nobody about this. That part of sex, broke me. I realzied sex was hurting me. Now its October, I meet a boy (more like a grown ass man) he is 21. Now what is a 15 year old doing dating a 21 year old, I don’t know. He is my firstlove. He helped me find myself and helped me from self-harming.

It was 2018 I met him, now its June 2020. Junior year broke me down. My depression went up and the thoughts of me dying was frequent. Every building I seen, I wanted to jump off. And every car I seen I wanted to get ran over. I had my depression so well but I still self-harm. Its gotten to the point where I think about it everyday, every moment, and every time I walk in my room.  Life is hard. I just self-harmed a week ago and it didn’t help. I want to cry to my mother and tell her I hate living on this earth from all the pain I endured. I want to cry and let all the pain go. I do belive I need a therapist. But in the end I just got myself. I’m lost but I got to find myself.

Why did a 11 year old feel like she needed to self-harm to be in control?

Why did a 14 year old feel like she had to validate herself to men?

Why does a 16 year old feel like she needs to give up when she is so close to achiveing her dreams?