I need to put pen to paper, or in this case fingers to the keyboard and bring clarity to these racing thoughts. I need to dump things here…
It helps me to say, "I am feeling some anxiety." It gives it a name, drains it of its powerful grip. Let's see where this goes. Where am I, what am I doing?
I am in the library at school. I graduated over a year ago from a major university with an art degree focusing in drawing. I now work full time in a kitchen. I am back in school at a community college for graphic design. Campus is a safe place for me. There is a wonderful design lab here. There is also a great gym here… I will go sit in the steam room and hottub before class in an attempt to destress. I am in the library working on an illustration of a koi fish… if I can attach images to this entry, I will. If not, I also updated my website today. It can be seen here: www.benthompsondesign.com
How do I feel? I feel cold. I feel hungry. Ok, definitely get some food in me soon. H A L T. Am I angry? No, not now. Maybe I'm too nice. Lonely? No… but I'm scared of being alone. I have some separation anxiety from my significant other. It used to be a lot worse, today it is ok because of a lot of therapy and work but it is very much still there. Tired? A bit. My days start early. I work 40 hours a week as a kitchen manager… I take design classes at night. I make AA meetings regularly. I have a lot on my plate. I feel a lot of pressure to succeed. I feel like right now I am failing at that one. I'm typing this as fast as I'm thinking. What do I hear? Music. Lyrics. I am seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow. I am pessimistic yet open. I wonder if I can be manic. I'm depressed, for sure. I'm usually really careful with money. A while ago I bought a beautiful mustang I can't afford on a wim. Mania? Dunno.
I really am hungry so I am going to go eat. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Just for today.