Well, I've now seen the Medical Doctor and the Psychiatrist this week. My doctor increased my Prozac dosage from 20 to 40 a day. It has been successful in alleviating most of my depression. As for the anxiety, I have yet to re-integrate myself into the world at large, so I remain unsure of the benefits of the higher dosage.

The only down side I see right now is the inevitable tolerance I will build to the medication. How long can this feeling of drug-induced happiness really last? A week? A month? Surely no more than a few months. Eventually I WILL get used to the new dosage and return to the feelings of hopelessness and fear that have become like old friends (mean, spiteful friends though they may be) over the past decades.

My psichiatrist seems to me to be lacking. I find his suggestions to be almost laughable. Write down the things I feel good about? Well that's a short list. Try to think more positive thoughts? Gee, I never thought of that. (sarcasm)

I know I need to give this the old college try and attempt to buy in to the therapy he has planned for me. I know that he means well. I also know that the reason I feel like mocking his suggestions is that I feel the problem is very large and imposing so the solution must also be large and impressive. I'm probably wrong about that. Baby steps, right?

It's frustrating because like everyone here, I just want to feel better now. I'm intimidated by the prospect of a long, arduous journey to recovery. My mind rebels at the thought of such simple tasks having any positive benefit to me.

I think that the anxiety and depression have gained a majority vote in the congress of my mind and they keep fillibustering. They keep saying the same old things that I've heard so often I've become convinced that they're the only truth out there. I need to find the voice of the minority and tune in to that for a while. In that line of thinking I can start to see the benefits of what my therapist is trying to get me to do.

But it's hard. I don't have to tell you guys that. You wouldn't be here with me if it was easy.

Thanks for listening.