It’s day three and I’m already struggling. Nothing has changed at work. Still all the same problems, only drill and blast appears to be ticking along ok (on the surface, a few niggles here and there), and the mine manager is leaving shortly (hooray!).

I am still getting excluded from meetings which I should have input into, but I don’t particularly care at this stage. I feel like I’m a shadow at the moment. I can see people doing what I used to be doing two years ago, but now it seems I’m a different person.

I’ve always wanted to die, but I guess realising that its depression saps your confidence away. I’ve been useless at work ever since I realised I had depression. It just hurts that little bit more when you see people planning their lives.

My boss is going to have a chat with the general manager next week to see if I can get a transfer to a city job, but at this stage I’m preparing myself to resign from the company. I don’t have the favour of management at the moment, and I doubt they will go out of their way to keep me.

I’ve noticed myself slipping into depressive episodes over the past three days and I’ve been constantly fighting myself to keep it together. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was under some decent stress, but nobody really expects me to do anything at work. They are all just a little surprised to see me.

I’ve found it awkward trying to get around the fact that I’ve had three months off for a ‘mystery’ illness. There is nobody I trust enough up here to explain it to, even my boss seems a little uncomfortable talking about it. I know my crew would be ok with it, but my crew flew out on Wednesday morning and there are so many new faces in the pit that I just seem like every other shiny bum.

It’s hard to act like a professional when don’t really care about your job. Although I’ve taken great pleasure in being able to speak up in meetings and tell managers what the other manager is trying not to say. I’m sick of seeing one manager spoon feed his underling, while everybody else just keeps on talking about the issue and generating more friction between the two bosses. I shouldn’t need to sit there while the manager is given his priorities. Once the priorities are set the decision is easy, as long as your boss doesn’t do a backflip when the tonnes drop.

I’m trying to maintain a balance between being hopeful and realistic. I’d prefer to be hopeful but it’s too painful when reality hits you. Truth is that this swing is only going to get harder, and then I’ll go home to my ‘life’ where I’ll just sit there with nothing to do. I don’t like having to face that truth.

Six more getups.