Okay,

Here goes,

To those who take the time to read the streams of my mind, I am ever thankful for your time. We lead busy lives, money can be spent and earned, yet time can only be spent.

SO… A little about me.

Six years ago i was diagnosed HIV Positive – now this came as a shock to me, let me explain.

I definately do not fit into any "high risk" categories, I am a white male, heterosexual, nor have I ever shared a needle etc.

It goes to show you that this thing we all suffer is indiscriminate, and once your life is changed, it cannot be unchanged. I sit here now in my darkened room, with a beer and a smoke, and six years worth of confusion on my shoulders.

And through all this i still feel like there isn't a soul in the world who can relate to this burden, you see I live my life with my condition a secret, I know of no other people who can share experiences, I question the possible reactions of lifelong friends had I opened up to them.

I search the internet in this world where we are no longer a million miles away, where the most distant soul can be staring at you in your own home, in your own pocket – and yet I find no home, no group, not a person with any common ground.

It appears that I am a minority, within a minority, a HIV Positive, Heterosexual, White male.

Please understand, I am not anti gay, or anti black, no not at all, quite the opposite, I pride myself in being part of a multicultural society, however after six years, I still feel alone. If i were black, or gay, then I would be part of something in which this disease is not "accepted" as that is the wrong term, but at least "informed".

so.. and please dont see this as anger or bitterness, as it isn't, I honestly dont imagine I am any better or worse off than anyone else, and I wish everyone the best in carrying their burden….

The reason I wrote this, why I spill my thoughts to you today, is to seek support, and also offer council to others in the same position as myself – although I am just words on a screen to you, and cannot hold your head against my shoulder, and dry your tears, I can at least offer words of comfort – to all who face the darkness, as someone who has walked through it and beyond.

I read back through this, my first blog, in a world of social media, and the sweet sounds of Angie Stone's "wish I didnt miss you" fill my world, I find myself recollecting on past times, when life was free and easy, and loving was simple.

But those days are long gone, and that ship has long sailed, yet I am sure that somewhere, there most be other people, who feel the same as myself, who struggle with a similar pain.

I hope that, however likely it is that my above blog may well seem like a load of nonsense, that if even one person reads this (and congratulations if you have made it this far, your patience is far better than my own) that it resonates with you, and you in turn, do not feel so alone.

As a while ago, somewhere, somebody felt the same, in a dark room, with a can of beer, and a smoke, and wrote this. For you.

Feel free to let me know if this reached you – and if you liked it.

Signing out – X