I HATE men. i hate them. i hate liking them, uhh i hate them. andrew asked me if i had a meal plan and said something about poaching some passes for the dining hall off me. I said i had a meal plan, but i was

a. studying

b. he was contacting me when he wanted something, and i think that guys should prove they are worth your trust before you give them any credence

c. once again he was bascially asking me to ask him out, even if it is the college dining hall, even if i’m paying for him. he hinted that he wanted something and expected me to jump.

i didn’t. i didn’t txt him back and two hours ago he txts me being all mad that i didn’t txt him back or invite him to do something. he says, we’re "not talking" anymore. he is a SENIOR i am a JUNIOR. when do senior’s balls drop. was so mad i said i wanted to hit him. de-friended him on facebook. he came to the library for some other reason and found me. talked for tops 5 minutes. said he was just joking, did not get why i was upset and told me to just "chill". i was very upset. ive liked this idiot for two years and he always says he wants to be with me, but he just cant make any initiative and he always messes up. i always give him another chance. this is try number 4. i felt humililated that i would let him back into my life, admit to him and myself that i have feelings for him….and then he does what he always does. he has the stamina of a 13 year old boy. things dont go his way (aka i don’t bend over backwards to be the forward one and ask him out) and he stomps off and leaves. them he comes back..usually after a barrage of 1am calls from him. im so fucking stupid. i felt so stupid. all my friends were like "you know what he’s going to do" and because i am a girl, i hoped things could be different and…he burned me….which now he says was just sarcasm.

…but i want to be with him, i want him to give me some hint that he isn’t going to flake out but when i try to tell him how upset i feel, he trys to just say ‘chill’ or just hush me by saying things are going to be okay. just like he did tonight. he wants to start on a level where we both reasonably trust each other, and we did at one point, but that was my freshman year and since then…he just..i don’t know, when im not directly on his mind im not there at all. i wish he would just say, "you know, im only trying to sleep with you" but he doesnt he tries say he likes me, he’s scared of me, of my rejection because ive "rejected" him so many times. i know his actions mean, "i don’t like you" but im such a fool i cant give it up unless he says it. and he is unwilling to say it. he’s unwilling to leave me alone. he’ll be gone for a little bit, then he’ll be dogging me to see him. i hate men. i hate myself. i hate his shady, wimpy ass. i feel like he makes me do everything, and put myself out there and then i end up with egg on my face. of course, he says the exact same thing about me. if he were less cruel he would let me have some peace and admit that he cannot/wont give me what i want. attempting to sleep with me is not worth all the fights and emotional turmoil. i swear. im not that good. this is college. why can’t he just try to fuck someone else there are hundreds of girls here..and alcohol….there are so many easier ways to get laid then trying to hash things out with me.

writing my feelings down because i am too embarrassed to vent it to my friends. i dont want them to know how much of an ass he is and i don’t want to admit in person how dumb i am.