I have realized that my best method, if I go through with it, is methadone.  The problem is getting it.  When my son was using several years ago, he almost od’d on it.  It is harder to get out of your system, but I would imagine that you basically nod out, turn blue and don’t come back.  It is very tempting.  I just have to figure out where I can get some.  I suppose I could always fake being an addict, go to a methadone clinic and store it until I have enough.  I read that 300 mg. should be sufficient. 

The alternate method would be burning charcoal in my apartment with all the doors and windows closed.  This, I have read, is very big in Japan.  It produces carbon monoxide.  If I took some xanax to help me sleep, and lit the bag in the sink, with nothing flammable nearby, it should do the trick without harming the other residents in the building. 

I have tried cutting my wrist.  I know where the artery is, but I can never cut deep enough and, believe me, I have tried.  Of course, the best way via that route would be to just slash my throat.  That is a big artery, but it would be very messy for someone to clean up, probably painful and leave a horrible scar if I were to survive. 

I have several questions.  First, has anybody out there made a serious suicide attempt and survived?  Are you glad that you survived?  Did life improve?  Also, what does it feel like when you’re fading out?  I know this isn’t a pleasant subject, but it’s in keeping with my state of mind. 

The long and the short of things is that life is not working out for me.  There are too many things that I want and want to do and too few things and experiences within my reach.  The primary thing is being alone.  I do not have any close friends.  I put people off without realizing it and I think a lot of people think I’m weird and end up either feeling sorry for me or avoiding me.  I want friends like I see other people have, someone I can go to a movie with, maybe workout with, etc.  People who come to dinner and who, in turn, invite me to dinner…..I want to be socially comfortable and I’m beginning to think that these things will never happen.  There is no hope for me.  I just wish there was some sign that I’m wrong.

4 Comments
  1. carolsr 12 years ago

    I have been suicidal a few times in my life.  Not really wanting to die, but wanting the pain to end.

    I wish I could tell you something that would help.  I don”t know what that is.  But I hope that you will reach out to people here.  Most of us know what this feels like. 

    I lost my brother to suicide thirteen years ago and it still hurts.  I feel like I should have tried to help him.  I didn”t know what to do, so I did nothing. 

    Have you tried meds?  I was on zoloft for a year.  It did help me get through a very tough time.  I got tired of feeling numb, so I quit taking it.  But sometimes we need to be numb for a while. 

    Please hang on and I hope that you will not harm yourself. 

     

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  2. tiredofliving_2009 12 years ago

    Yes, I want it to end.  I have been on Wellbutrin and Lexapro, for years.  I stopped taking them last year as I couldn”t afford it.  I have only been able to find temp jobs and cannot afford $200 + per month for medication, so that is not an option.  I just found out that I still have medicaid, probably for the rest of the month, so I will see if I can find a therapist that has evening hours.  If I take any time off during my 4 month probationary period at my job, I could get fired.  I am in a very inflexible situation.  I have so much anger inside of me and it is mostly directed at myself. Thank you for your comforting words and I am so sorry about your brother.  

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  3. Mern 9 years ago

    Are you still alive?

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  4. tiredofliving_2009 9 years ago

    Thank you for asking.  Yes, I'm still alive.  They changed my meds and they're working much better, so I really haven't thought seriously about suicide in quite awhile.  I still get depressed, but I guess you could say the elevator doesn't go all the way to the basement now.  How are you doing?

    Kathi

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