I have realized that my best method, if I go through with it, is methadone. The problem is getting it. When my son was using several years ago, he almost od’d on it. It is harder to get out of your system, but I would imagine that you basically nod out, turn blue and don’t come back. It is very tempting. I just have to figure out where I can get some. I suppose I could always fake being an addict, go to a methadone clinic and store it until I have enough. I read that 300 mg. should be sufficient.
The alternate method would be burning charcoal in my apartment with all the doors and windows closed. This, I have read, is very big in Japan. It produces carbon monoxide. If I took some xanax to help me sleep, and lit the bag in the sink, with nothing flammable nearby, it should do the trick without harming the other residents in the building.
I have tried cutting my wrist. I know where the artery is, but I can never cut deep enough and, believe me, I have tried. Of course, the best way via that route would be to just slash my throat. That is a big artery, but it would be very messy for someone to clean up, probably painful and leave a horrible scar if I were to survive.
I have several questions. First, has anybody out there made a serious suicide attempt and survived? Are you glad that you survived? Did life improve? Also, what does it feel like when you’re fading out? I know this isn’t a pleasant subject, but it’s in keeping with my state of mind.
The long and the short of things is that life is not working out for me. There are too many things that I want and want to do and too few things and experiences within my reach. The primary thing is being alone. I do not have any close friends. I put people off without realizing it and I think a lot of people think I’m weird and end up either feeling sorry for me or avoiding me. I want friends like I see other people have, someone I can go to a movie with, maybe workout with, etc. People who come to dinner and who, in turn, invite me to dinner…..I want to be socially comfortable and I’m beginning to think that these things will never happen. There is no hope for me. I just wish there was some sign that I’m wrong.