Well, this is my first blog ….like ever…. I think, so we will see how this goes.
To start with ….I have only been on this site for a couple of days…I have read some blogs, joined some groups, answered some polls and got a couple of messages (thanks you guys) I have also posted comments to some of the blogs or posts that really cried out to me….the ones where I have felt some of the same feelings and dealt with the same struggles …and I hope that anytime I comment, that I won't offend anyone or make them feel like I am trying to downplay their emotions/situations. I just have an incessant need to help people and the way that I have always done so is by giving advice. (I have not had anyone get angry thus far, I just thought I would put it out there BEFORE any possible issues arise – lol)
I have struggled with depression my entire life… encompassing behaviors such as food addiction (which turned into anorexia for a few years), self injury (through cutting) and low self-worth/self-esteem. Like the rest of us, I go through my cycles of ups and downs….my ups are ok, I feel good, I am probably exercising moderately, eating right, texting/visiting friends, playing with the kids and the dog etc. but the downs are getting down right awful. I know my triggers are my weight, my finances, my relationship and when I get completely over-stressed (happens mostly during the school year while I try to play mommy, and still have to plan and teach and grade etc.)
Since October of last year I started a downward spiral into a D-hole (depression hole….where its like life is quicksand and you can't even figure out how to dig out of it). First I left the first school I ever worked for…and all of my students….and went to work for what I thought was a great opportunity, close to home (the first school was an hours drive from where my b/f and I ended up moving to so he didn't have to drive 2 hours to work) but I had a very hard time adjusting and in the end, my students at the new school scored near the top of the district on their state tests, the principal did not agree with my teaching strategies (he wanted a drill instructor only drilling students with practice problems and I am more laid back and use multiple methods to convey the topics) and dropped me like a sack of potatoes – I'm sure everyone understands what that does to a person, especially one who already had self-worth issues. During that time, my b/f changed jobs….ended up still working 2 hours away from home for a place that cut his commission by HALF…so my finances were totally shot. We were evicted from the place we were living and we have been behind on bills ever since…and everything is in MY name b/c my credit, up until late last year, was beautiful. So much for that…. and b/c all of that was going on, my b/f pretty much completely ignored me, did nothing but yell at my kids or sleep (essentially refused to leave the bedroom when he was home). During the school year b/c of the difficulty in adjusting (and getting into twice as many types of classes as I thought I was going to have to teach….meaning planning 6 completely different classes, grading completely different assignments and the book they had at the new school was so awful every middle school math teacher abandoned it and we had to find/create our own resources) I stopped walking (I was walking 3-4 miles a day 5-6 days a week) and stopped my eating program (where I was losing about 3 lbs a week) and started gaining weight back. – In other words, every single trigger was hit …no scratch that… it was SMASHED in the span of about 9 months. Oh, and by the way…I didn't get to my pshychiatrist either (no time, no money…whatever other excuse I conjured up) and ran out of all of my meds (anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and sleeping pills).
I was miserable with myself, with my life, with my job, with my boyfriend…and then my oldest kid (who was recently diagnosed with ADHD) was getting into trouble at school…was essentially failing almost all of his classes (this was pre-diagnosis) and my youngest was having listening and anger issues in school. (surprise surprise). I cheated on my b/f, told him about it b/c I had a guilty conscience, that was a fiasco for a while…and hit what I would have to consider, for me, to be rock bottom (this was about Feb of this year).
Things started to look up for a bit…but then crashed again…with my relationship and with my kids….I never did start walking/eating right and our fincances are still totally shot….but my b/f stuck with me…made the appt with the walk-in clinic (he pleaded with them to make an appt for me cuz he knew I wouldn't sit and wait hours to be seen) and I got back on my anti-depressants. Things still weren't right….I didn't feel right, I was still aggravated at everyone/everything….still really down on myself…couldn't get myself to get up in the AM to walk…kept messing up on my eating…finally made an appt with MY dr to get back on all the meds I need…
Saw that Dr today…he is one of the funniest people you will ever meet…He "scolded" me for not seeing him….its funny…I can feel like crap for days/weeks before seeing him but on the day that I go to see him I am more-or-less okay…moodwise. I walked both yesterday and this morning….yesteday's eating was good, today was a bit more of a struggle, but not a totaly shutout. I am starting some new meds tonight/tomorrow but feel like I am starting to finally claw myself out of this D-hole.
So, today, I am hopeful…I know that I will not always see this silver-lining, but I am glad to see it today. Taking it one day at a time…..like everyone else.
If anyone ever wants to chat, or message me about anything….please do….by all means…if Im having a bad day just means I won't answer it until Im back to "normal" LOL (I have avoidance issues lol)…..K, I think that's enough for my book for now….