So i've met this guy and he's basically become my best friend over the last few months. Literally we have so much in common and think the same way about things its ridiculous and its like ive finally found someone who finalyl totally gets me. Neither of us really want/think we can handle/think we can have relationships but we kind of almost slip into the routine of one just because we're so close (btw its long distance, he lives in London, I'm US) so we say we're in a ship. Its not quite a relationship but its a bit mroe than a friendship so we've dubbed it a ship. Its cute, we fall asleep at the same time talking on skype, we argue over the correct way to pronounce words, we watch anime and youtube vids together, bare our souls, cry, laugh, play video games, have cute pet names for eachother. I've met his friends and his mom and hes met my friends and my brother. So obviously its quite in between relationship and friendship. We're bothjealous/protective people naturallybut we arent allowed to be jealous because we arent "committed" to eachother.his best friend hit on me and he almost said "you can't hit on my woman" and thenhe'll go out to the pub to play pool and some girl will hit on him and ill struggle to laugh and stay interested instead of get jealous that he considered going home with her.
I'm just feeling so torn lately, like I really like him andsometimes i hate him. Sometimes i want to be in a relationship with him and sometimes I wish we werent as close as we are. Sometimes i could see us actually having and being a family and sometimes i can hardly see us doing more than visiting once a month. He asked me on a date when I go to London this sumer for my internship and he sounded sincere, like a serious date, but part of me thinks it was out of pity since I've never been asked on a date and depsite having a few boyfriends I've only ever been on one date. We are normally completely open and honest with eachother but its really hard because he repeatedly says he can never and will neverhave a relationship with anyone ever, but so do I, and sometimes i feel that way and sometimes I don't and sometimes the undefined lines of this ship are fantastic for someone like me who runs from commitment at the first sign of happiness and trust but sometimes the undefined lines suck because you know that person isn't just yours alone and he can go out to a bar and end up sleeping with someone, even though i could do the same.
I cant tell him any of this, not out of fear of making things awkward, but because my feelings on it switch so often i can't even make up my mind. And he might not be able to talk to me whole heartedly anymore if I screw up my words and ruin this by making him think i want a relationship when i guess what i want is just to know that ehere may be a tiny possibility of having one one day down the road when we're older and settled.
Its just too much to figure out, i cant see the future andthat kills me. Im struggling with this alone, when i normally tell him everything and he can see i'm hiding something and its creating holes in the ship and we're going to go under fast if I can't figure out what to do or say.