I have just finished reading a message from a lovely person, who made me realise what it is I am most fearful of – wasting my life. I am soooo scared of this and feel like it is a race against time to be everything and have everything all at once to achieve some kind of perfect happiness – and who's idea is this? My father's-this is his idea of happiness, the one that started paving a way for me to get the place I am in right now. The final push was how he kept saying that I had wasted my life and I was going to amount to nothing! All because I had taken an exam that he made me take, my second year medical degree exams. I didnt even want to do medicine,. but i did it as a way to try and achieve the unachievable – my fathers approval. Now after 20 years of his tyranny, his mocking, his bullying and the idea that I had wasted my life and that I was too fat, ugly and unloveable and failure to ever amount to anything, pushed me over the edge and ended with me having a major depressive episode! I have still not got back on track, and I am battling the problems and emotional scars that he has left me with daily.
Now I am only age 21 and because I had to leave my medical degree I am now a total of 4 years behind my peers. who most of whom have already graduated! And this makes me feel like utter crap! I insanely think i am old, out-of-date, behind the times, ugle, waste of space, failure who has run out of time to do anything or amount to anything and like i have missed my chance to be beautiful and young. All because of the way my father constantly told me that i was worth nothing and would never amount to anything and that i was unloveable because i was diguistingly ugly. I am still having trouble coming to terms with this, especially as I was this primary care-giver (he is disabled) and i thought that out of the family he was the only one who got me – turns out he just treated me better than the tes of my family! He would always call me names related to my size and ask questions like did an elephant get you pregnant when I was only 13! I feel like i cant blame him entirely for this, but really it is his fault!
I really need help out of this place, but dont know where to start! I have had a year of counselling and not sure if its been enough! take care all xxx