It is one of those days where I remember one quote from a young child who lost his parents in the novel Kiterunner: "I'm so tired of everything."
Perhaps in the vain hope of pulling myself out of possibly killing myself, I have decided to start an account here… a blog. Perhaps I will still kill myself, but at least writing about it helps.
Well, I messed up big at work today. I tried doing my jobs, but I suppose I made some pretty bad decisions. In any case, I got written up for something totally unrelated to my screwup and mostly because the man who did it was having a bad day. Heh, I was having a worst one.
While I often blame myself for being stupid, dense, and always making the wrong judgement calls, I also feel that I am a victim to circumstances as well. Why does all the bad things happen to me?
I'm supposed to have a good job lined up in the future, but then, under the condition that I can actually graduate school in time. With my poor academics right now, its a fat chance that that will ever happen. But the irony is, I never really wanted that kind of a job in the first place (its an accounting job).
So I'm stuck, stuck with responsibilities up the wazoos without any humanly possible chance of meeting all these expectations. I have to write a mid-term in school on Saturday, and given that the school has intentionally created this course to fail students, and that the only way I will ever get anywhere in my current major is to pass, and that "good job" that is supposed to be on the line is hanging by the thread because of this, my chances are grim indeed.
Maybe I should consider myself fortunate considering that I live in a society that is not totally impoverished. At the same time, I feel very unfortunate because I cannot integrate at all into this society because of the pressures demanded of the plain citizen: school, economy, money, work, house, etc. I'm not smart enough for any of it. I screw up at work all the time. I screw up at school all the time. I've left many old jobs that would have been promising but because of my stupid decisions, I would never have a chance at them again. Added to that, I can hardly socialize, because I'm so depressed, so strained, so tired, that I just don't know how I should commune with people.
Sometimes, I'd rather feel hungry than feel out of place and belonging to no where after having gone through all of this. I always wanted to be a pilot. In fact, I once hookied away from the house and from school just do sign up for flight school. But then, I ran out of money. And still, my family hardly supports me in this endeavor, which makes it more and more impossible. My eyes have also deteriorated from years of near-point stress studying gobbity-gook in University, which to this day, I could hardly understand the point.
Maybe I am just misguided, taken life the wrong way. If so, then I am even more stupid and dense than I thought. I tried living a spiritual life at one point too… shortly after my mother died. I got converted into a catholic church, but now, I hardly have the time to attend service. But I am also disgrunted. Yes, I cannot understand what god thinks, but how can god let so many bad things happen to me? Perhaps I can emphasize with Job, but if I do recall, Job broke too after all the bad things happened to him, until the very end. But that also makes me wonder if god is cruel, or if god even exists.
My faith is faltering, and becoming increasingly uncertain as life slowly grinds away in the machines of economic progress. And I think that by the end, which may dawn on me soon, that I will just feel nothing. I will be an empty vessel, waiting for my chance at death. What begins must come to an end. I'm not afraid of death, only the pain of dying, hence why I have not hung myself quite yet. I also hate myself for being so cowardly.
To be honest, I don't even feel much about what happened at work today. All I feel is the years and years of circumstances I have experienced. I should have stayed in the army, I should have stayed working for that one airline, I should have been more faithful to an ex-girlfriend of mine, I should have planned ahead when I graduated highschool, I should have said no to the many times I've said yes that ended up with me being in the hole of trouble.
I've suffered hell, but hell is getting worst… and I am getting less and less sure what to do about it. I am always pressured, I am always given responsibility, always getting blamed for just being me. What hopes, what control I once thought I had in life has been crushed in the machinations around me.
I just, need something. Love? Friendship? This burden is unbearable. Maybe joining the tribe helps, maybe not, though I've always clung on to hope. Thats the only thing I feel I have left. Nothing else makes sense to me anymore.